24 Reasons Why You’re Single
1. You compared yourself to Steve Jobs. Why did you just compare yourself to Steve Jobs? The fact that you don’t wear shoes in public places and that you dropped out of college is actually more relatable to a homeless person, but you think going with Steve Jobs is the most accurate. K.
2. You talk an awful lot about what you’re going to accomplish, with nothing to show for it except your unbeatable Candy Crush score.
3. You gossip about the people you hang out with. People you hang out with are an extension of you, and if you hate the people you willingly surround yourself with, you must also hate yourself.
4. You talk about yourself so much that you’re sick of yourself but even when you’re sick of yourself, you still talk about yourself because you only think about yourself.
5. You…you park like a dick.
6. Remember how you park like a dick? You drive in the same manner.
7. You give back handed compliments like, “I think it’s just so awesome that you don’t care about how you look.” Or “I tend to date damaged people… I really like dating you.”
8. You make it a point to be condescending, even in your body language.
9. You’re really insecure, and you love to be a victim!!!! You think that everyone should feel really bad for you.
10. You call all of your ex’s “crazy” and “psycho”
11. You don’t know that everyone can see what you like on Instagram, and it’s blatantly clear to everyone that you double tap a lot of soft porn, buddy.
12. You suck at kissing. Stiff tongue, sloppy mouth, and putrid breath.
13. You don’t tip, and you complain about the price of dinner.
14. You LOVE Kevin Bacon.
15. You make out with everyone, but become genuinely offended when people don’t take you seriously.
16. You’re a liar and it’s embarrassing for everyone involved. We all know that you didn’t outrun the police and Chuck Palahniuk didn’t offer you a book deal.
17. You think you are better than everyone and you like to point it out while you’re talking about yourself, which is all the time.
18. You are passive aggressive.
19. You are passive.
20. You are aggressive.
21. You still think you are damaged from your high school relationship and you make a point to bring it up as justification for being an idiot in any relationship conflict or situation.
22. Your friends are talking about you behind your back, and what they’re saying is about as pretty as the feedback from Miley Cyrus’s VMA performance.
23. You just have one of those faces that people hate and a personality that people hate as well. To top it off, you’ve got an attitude that shows everyone that you hate everything.
24. You won’t give anyone a chance and you honestly don’t want to be anything but single.