1. Your Best Friend
You’re around your best friend constantly, your voices sound the same on the phone. Everything that comes out of their mouth sounds like an extension of you. When you see their tweets (good or horrifically boring) you’re obligated to favorite them. They tweet things sometimes that you think, “why in the world would you tweet that you stupid idiot” *favorite*. It doesn’t matter though, because if you don’t favorite the tweet they’ll text you an hour later asking why nobody favorited their tweet.
2. Your Best Friend’s Boyfriend
Your close friend starts dating someone, and they’re not your friend, but because of the fact that you see them just as often as you see your friend qualifies them for a follow. That way, you don’t lose contact with your friend completely when they’re in the “love zone” and you have the comfort of knowing they are still in fact, alive. Then your friend is bed-ridden sobbing and miserable because they got in an argument about something insignificant, and you get to see all the subtweets they shoot at each other as if having a normal conversation is the last thing on their minds. Following couples on twitter gives you the comfort of knowing you’re okay with being single.
3. Your family.
Their tweets suck 95% of the time. On seldom occasion they tweet something golden; you’re proud. Unless they just reply to all your tweets with:
“@maddjayy why are you sad? Call me”
So you kill yourself.
4. The Dry Humor Tweeter
Half the things they tweet make no sense, but make you laugh from your diaphragm. Half of your favorites come from the tweets like “How does it feel to be a human?” or “every pitbull song sounds like he’s reading a map really fast”- @prodigalsam
You like to think that one day you’ll be that funny, but then you meet them in person and they’re weird so you prefer their quirky web presence instead.
5. The Sub-tweeter
Everything they say is depressing. They are holding on to their emotions with a rheumatoid arthritis hand grip, and they just CAN’T LET GO. The tag line of their twitter should be “I’m sad that I’m happy that I’m sad that you’re happy that we’re sad.”
All of their Tweets sound like “I loved, you but you hate me and now I’m sad” or, “I’m just going to go DANCING to forget about you.” All of their sub-tweets are violently painful to read, and you always wonder if they know that they look utterly pathetic. If the person they’re tweeting about didn’t like them already, one viewed tweet would make them turn and run in the opposite direction screaming, “GET IN THE VAN! WE NEED TO GTFO!!!!!!” to their every soul nearby. Regardless of their lack of shame, you sometimes relate to these sub-tweets and favorite them because you would never feel comfortable posting something that revealing.
6. The Tweeter you HATE
It doesn’t matter if you don’t officially “follow” that person. You see everything they post, SOME HOW. Every time you see one of their dumb tweets, you stick your arm out to your friend and shout, “OH MY HELL. LOOK. HOW. DUMB.” Half of their tweets are just normal things that normal people say, but because of the fact that you hate them so much, you hate everything they do.
7. The Inactive Tweeters
They never have any Twitter activity, but you respect them as a person and prefer to follow them regardless.
8. Twitter BFFL
You don’t really know this person, but you somehow relate to everything they say and honestly believe that you could be best friends forever. You have a “five star” relationship (FSR: if you could give their tweets five stars, you would). You don’t know each other, but when you finally meet, you already know everything about one another. You’re already best friends. No need to refresh the page because you’ve been on the same page since you scrolled through their past 200 tweets.
9. A Parody Account/Celebrity
The “parody” makes the account lose its novelty, but you still love everything they say and you’re NOT unfollowing. (@GSelevator) The celebrity isn’t awesome, but you find comfort in the fact that maybe they’ll follow you back someday.
10. The Inspiration
Everything they tweet makes your nostrils flare with emotion that came straight from your heart. They inspire all to be a better person. They are flawless at life. Everything they tweet is kinder than St. Nicholas because even St. Nicholas gives coal to those who don’t behave. The Inspiration isn’t sub-tweeting. They’re just self-actualized.