1. The “I am NOT a Hipster.”
Defined by indefinite qualities, these tortured artists ride their fixie bicycles into the distance while screaming “I AM NOT A HIPSTER!!!” They sparked the mustache and Ray Ban frame trend, along with the plaid shirt and oxford “must haves”. Bon Iver, M83, St. Vincent, The Antlers, and Youth Lagoon albums are tossed in their trash cans because they went “mainstream”, and you will find them without fail at the local venue on open mic night. Alas, they no longer use Facebook or Instagram, having become too social for their obscure taste. They always seemed fatigued from fixing their bow-ties and acting more sophisticated than those around them. These 50’s, 90’s and antique mashup eclectic beings survive only in brown/maroon color schemed cobblestone streets, avoiding the term “hipster” like the plague (or that ex-girlfriend they can’t stop writing lyrics about).
2. The Elusive Goth
- Purple lipstick.
- Heavy rings on each finger.
- Cut out shirts.
- Little or no saturation Instagrams.
Their Sunday dinners must resemble the Addams family, otherwise their attention seeking behavior is ridiculous. Lydia Deets (Beetlejuice) is the only human allowed to act so morbid. Here you sit in the daylight, while they draw the curtains and paint their fingernails black.
3. The Pinterest Chick
How cute would it be if you were able to be a stay at home mom with all the money in the world to finish every DIY project that would have cost 30% less to just buy and move on with life!!!?? It’s so fun to listen to Selena Gomez and paint your nails eight times, until the mint green ombre nail color FINALLY works and you’re able to take a YouTube tutorial of it! The YouTube tutorial is flattering as well because every twenty seconds without fail, your eyes either glance at your face in the webcam and you blush, or up and to the right while you say “ummm” before you finish your sentence.
Your boyfriend is your number one priority in life, and you enjoy green shakes so much that you’ve tried every recipe in the green shake pins. Blogging blogging blogging!!! Which obnoxious legging pattern will be popular next? You better get yourself a picture wearing them while walking, and holding a massive purse to show how skinny you are! Don’t forget the extremely intricate braid you took 40 minutes to finish; you need it to pull off the “It costs a lot to look this cheap” look.
I bet that candle you made smells AWESOME.
4. The Electro-Brat
That DJ is next level. Do you know how he came to be so popular? His story is really moving. He started to DJ at home, and I’m mean he would DJ until 4AM every DAY, until he started DJing at public events and now he DJs ALL THE TIME AND HE’S SO POPULAR. He even has an accent. Did you go to EDC last year, because the electro-brat attended. The Electro-Brat has enough time to sit at home and listen to every 4 hour podcast and new track because it’s not just music. It’s a lifestyle.
The Electro-Brat is mildly offended when progressive trance songs are mistaken for house songs, and it’s not your fault you don’t know the difference between 140 BPM tracks, and psychedelic, dream, dark, and acid trance. The electo-brats don’t have a similar appearance, besides being hip as Tron, however you’ll find that they have a mutual love of minimalism in design and lifestyle.
It is perfectly acceptable for the electro brat to drop $400+ to hear the drop at that massive rave next week. Here you are, on Facebook thinking the entire world is doing the same thing, when suddenly a picture from the electro-brat pops up on your feed. You’re astounded because there HAD to be 15,000 or more people at that rave. YOU DON’T KNOW ANYONE else who passionately loves electronic music enough to wear little to nothing and shake their hips while chewing on… Is that a binky? Whatever. That world is beyond you. That world is “progressive-electro-rotterdam-nitzhonot-full on-house-trance”, not “dubstep”. Get it right. If none of that lingo makes sense to you, continue to listen to dubstep and pretend like you know what the electro-brat is talking about when they use the electro-lingo.
5. The Country
Stop it before it starts. The country music about the guy who had horses, a girlfriend, and that terrible car accident, resulting in a “bottle of patron” glued to his hand. Trucks with loud engines will blast this music.
Country pronounced words will literally send you into a suicidal coma if you don’t have an obsession with that accent. BBQ chicken and cowboy boots, beer, and bleached blonde hair define the country wave. Don’t worry about the country concerts, if they’re not held at your local basketball arena they’ll be in a field of mud somewhere. For some people, a plaid shirt and a nice, massive belt buckle are the most attractive things in the world. Acoustic guitar, banjo, and love/breakups are the epitome of a country song, and somehow every song seems to sound the same. “She was a country girllllll, I was riding in my truuuuuccckkkk.”
6. The 80’s-90’s Know It All
“I’ll give you 5 bucks if you can guess this artist” comes out every time a new song comes on the “classic rock” station. The 80’s and 90’s know it all is easily one of the most educated classic rockers, because they somehow remember each date of release, concert, and album of every music legend.
It would be amazing to carry the nostalgia from one of the most musically influenced periods of time with you. Remembering what it was like to have the chance to successfully sneak in to a concert, steal, hitch hike, and listen to music that literally had clubs and groups formed against it. Listening to music from the 80s and 90s will give you a better understanding of the music made today, seeing that our music today mainly consists of remixes. Led Zepplin shirts, and Kiss tattoos keep the glory of the electric guitar and garage band alive.
7. The Adventurist
The Adventurists are constantly out and about, in a different country, camping, or repelling off Mt. Rushmore. They don’t have time to keep up with the latest and greatest music trends, so they have a list of itunes music and burned CD’s from 5 years ago to keep them entertained. In their spare time they don’t block out the beauty of nature with headphones and bass. They read critically acclaimed novels from F. Scott Fitzgerald, Thoreau, and the Bible. The adventurists are great to call when you need to “get away” (keep in mind that you might get injured). They don’t listen to love songs, and somehow they’ve never had their hearts broken. Most likely because climbing a mountain is more exhilarating than love could ever be.
8. The Tumblr Tragedy
Scroll, scroll, scroll, repost, scroll, scroll, heart, scroll, scroll, follow blog, emotions, heartbreak, inspiration, scroll, scroll, eating disorder, scroll, scroll, was that soft porn?? scroll, scroll, change out the “Ellie Goulding” Pandora station.
A weekly occurence of the dark hole called Tumblr.
The Tumblr Tragedy will stay on Tumblr for hours, creating landscape pictures with their feelings written in an cute font over the top. Scrolling through beautiful pictures and people, breathtaking landscapes, and heartbreaking posts, Tumblr will slowly take over their life leaving them believing that calling and texting that boy multiple times is a great idea, because emotion is wonderful and not creepy. Thanks for that, Tumblr.
9. The Rap Case
Still listening to rap. Still thuggin’ around in a sweatshirt. Still wearing chains. Still thinking the F word is classy.
10. The Norman
Life is based around fun and purity for the Norman. Dessert parties, and murder in the dark are the places you’ll find a Norman. Listening to the top 40 hosted by Ryan Seacrest, they have a great time doing anything with their friends. They don’t care what anybody thinks about them, and nobody understands how they stay so happy until they catch a glimpse of them in an “I’m a Mormon” add and understand.