Hooking Up The Toilets Of The Club

When he asked if I’d like to fuck in the toilets of the club I hesitated.

I am both a feminist and a virgin but sometimes I buy into society’s structures.

I know that slut-shaming is wrong. I know that consent is right.

I know that the concept of virginity is crooked and underlined with hypocrisy: be a virgin for too long and you’re a frigid bitch, lose your virginity ASAP and you’re a “slut”.  I know that double standards exist and that the idea that only men desire sex and a woman must obey is absurd. Any woman of any ethnicity, gender identity, sexual orientation or age should be able to do whatever the fuck she wants, whenever the fuck she wants and with whomever she wants.

I know all these yet when he asked me to have sex with him I hesitated.

I would like to lose my virginity. I would like to engage in casual sex without it being a major issue. I would like to have one-night stands and leave people begging me for more, more, more.

I would like to be sexually free.

I should have said yes.

But I didn’t.

As much as I dislike the “pressure” of a girl losing her virginity to a boy and how heteronormative and cis-focused it sounds, I am still a 19 year old naïve and cis straight white girl who fantasizes about a prince sweeping her off her feet.

As much as I’m against slut-shaming of all sorts, I couldn’t help but think of what my friends would say or how my mother would react if she found out.

As much as I believe in consent, I couldn’t help but feel obliged to say yes. Like if I didn’t say yes, that it’d be over. I’d made the first move only moments earlier and asked if I could kiss him… he’ll think I’m a tease if I don’t follow through, right?

But no, I didn’t owe him anything. All the feminist blogs said I don’t.

But my drunken head said I did.

But I didn’t.

Truthfully I wanted both.

I wanted to have sex with him in a public bathroom, toss the concept of virginity aside and then never speak to him again. But I also wanted to say no because I knew that as much as I’d like to feel sexually kick-ass, the repercussions would weigh too much. I’d feel immense guilt because society tells me to even though my feminist brain will be celebrating. I’d stress about STIs and pregnancy, stress about my reputation, stress about my self-esteem and self-loathing afterwards.

My identifying as a feminist has been easy for me so far because I haven’t had to face these morally grey moments where I have to really question what I want. How much do I care about what others think vs. how much do I care about being true to myself? How do I know if I’m being true to myself anyway? How can I wave the feminist flag and yet still succumb to society’s standards?

When he texted me the next day, after asking for nude pics at 4am, I told him that I’m into casual but not that casual. And then told him to delete my number.