Whole Foods, Will You Be My Valentine?

  Herry Lawford
Herry Lawford

I’m in love…with Whole Foods.

You are thinking: “Wow Maddie, that is quite dramatic.

I am thinking: “My God, these Barnanas are the shit and I want them by my pillow at night so when I wake I can immediately slip a chocolate covered banana chunk into my mouth… All natural BTW.”

It wasn’t love at first sight, actually quite the opposite. I thought of people who shopped at Whole Foods to be snobbish, uptight and not living to the fullest. Why would you want overly priced products that says non-GMO, Gluten-free, no soy, Vegan and blessed by the best Rabbi in town -it’s Kosher. It’s like what in sam hell are you even eating then?? Did you just buy the weed wackers grass clippings and call it a salad bar?

But I was blind.

I recently acquired a new job that forced me to be in every Whole Foods Market in Southern California. Day in and day out I would walk through the isles of all natural, all organic and locally made foods. I lifted my nose high as in to think I was too good for this nonsense.

But I was wrong. I wasn’t good enough.

As I would go about my day I would bump into the most weird hippie-type people who were so willing to explain anything to me. What gluten actually is, what kosher means, and even how some lady is addicted to eating pillow tops. (seriously, they want to talk about everything) I began to have respect for local small companies. I met this late twenties girl who was just bored at home with a kid and started making a gluten-free banana bread out of the jiffy mix you get at 7/11. Now she sells it at Whole Foods.

My love for Whole Foods had only begun.

I noticed how happy the employees are. They love their job. They believe in all these products. This isn’t just a career for them it’s a lifestyle. Sometimes I think they are imagining they all work on some non-gmo farm that sells everything! That is Whole Foods. Just a hippy farm. And they love it.

And I love it.

I began to try everything! Every raw juice possible. If I was will to pay $9 for a glass of wine (I mean wine does have antioxidants), I should be willing to pay $8 for a Juice that contains: beet, ginger, lemon, kale, and apple. Sound gross? It’s a party in my mouth! I’m obsessed with everything in this store. Their nuts that you can buy in bulk, but I only buy like a handful because that alone is over $2. But, you know what? I don’t care! I love that trail mix! The salad bar is half-off on Wednesdays, but you wouldn’t have known that because you’re not in love with Whole Foods.

Im in love with Whole Foods…like more than you.

I love Whole Foods so much I want to work there. Not really in corporate per say. I mean I guess that would be pretty cool. But I want to work as a cashier in Whole Foods. I was a cashier in high school at a shitty grocery store where I would step on fruit roll-up boxes and call it damaged so I could eat it for free. But I have grown up now! I have all that scanning experience! Even if you don’t get a discount for working there, I would still be down for it.

In conclusion.

I believe that Whole Foods is a cult. Yes, I said it. This is not an act of betrayal but an honest observation and could possibly be a fact. Why in the world would I EVER want to be a cashier? Huh? I have completely been brainwashed. So much so I feel as if I, myself try to brainwash the surrounding people to love Whole Foods as well. It’s unhealthy in the healthiest way possible.

That being said, if Whole Foods really is a cult that is ok with me. I am already in too deep. I have been submerged in the almond milk and came out blessed by a Rabbi. (I don’t know) I have been brainwashed and I hear its like really hard to get out of cults. So I’m in. I am here to stay Whole Foods! I love you!

Will you be my Valentine??? Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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