Lately, I’ve had you on my mind. I’ll go months without thinking about you or trying to talk to you, but I always end up back in the same spot. The first time we met, I thought that would be the last time I would see you.
But years later, you popped into my life and ended up meaning something to me. I had been in a rough spot when you came along. I came to accept the fact that I wasn’t ready for a relationship at the time, I just wanted to hook up.
Soon enough, our hook ups started to become a weekly and even daily thing. The late nights we spent together, under wrinkled sheets, slightly buzzed, with our legs intertwined. Sometimes I miss nights like those and other nights I’m grateful I have my bed to myself.
It took me months before I finally admitted I had feelings for you, only for you to tell me you didn’t want a relationship with me. However, I couldn’t take a hint. I thought maybe you needed more time, how naïve of me. The more time I spent with you, pigging out and watching dumb comedy shows, the more I started to fall for you. No, we weren’t together, but to me it felt like we were.
You shared your life with me, you protected me, took care of me, listened to me. That’s what made this so hard. My almost relationship ruined me more than any relationship I’ve ever had. You made me feel like I was never good enough for you and I would never be good enough no matter how hard I tried.
You proved to me that someone can act like they care so much about you, when you really mean nothing to them. You made me feel weak and worthless. But, I don’t feel like that every day.
Other days I convince myself that you were scared, that you feared what we could’ve had, you were scared to love me. Maybe you knew you weren’t good enough for me. I’ll never know the real reason though.
Deleting you out of my life was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but letting you back in made me realize I couldn’t let go. You see, the worst part about almost relationships, is wondering what could’ve been. Wondering what our relationship would be like, how long we would last, wondering how much I could’ve loved you if you let me. And I did. I did love you. And I still do.
The thing about our almost relationship, is it taught me to fight for love. It taught me to give everything I had to someone if I wanted to be with them. It taught me to make sacrifices, it taught me that there would be fights, but you would always make up. It taught me how to care for another human being besides myself. It taught me that nobody is perfect, but you will find someone who you think is perfect for you. But, silly me thought you were that person. And by time you realize it, it’ll be too late.
So maybe almost relationships are a good thing. Sure, they bring you pain and joy, but they teach you so much. They teach you how to love, realize what you want in a relationship, they teach you how to make it on your own when that person leaves, how to get comfortable being alone when you spent so much time by their side. An almost relationship will ultimately be the worst and best time of your life, but it’s completely worth it.