When I am lonely, I think of you.
I think of all the pain you caused me. I think of the times I felt my heart shatter into small glass shreds. I think of the times I cried. The times I left your apartment with tears clouding my vision. The times I felt my lungs collapse from mere sadness and suffering.
I think of our memories. I can’t recall any good memories. I don’t want to recall or reminisce about any good memories, if they even exist. Those times we laughed together and the times we loved together, I deleted them. I shipped them away to a blackhole somewhere in my brain.
I think of the way you treated me. I think of your manipulative behaviors and your controlling actions. The tone you used when you told me what to do. The tone you used when you made negative comments about my friends and my future.
I think of your language. I think of all the hurtful things you said to me. All the ways you put me down. I think of the lies that rolled off your tongue oh-so-easily. I question what words you said were truthful; I question if anything you said was the truth.
I’ll ask the obvious question here:
Why do I think of you when I am lonely?
Well, how do I say this—I’d rather be lonely than ever be in a relationship with a person like you ever again.
So I guess I feel a good type of loneliness, if that makes sense.
The good type of loneliness is a reminder that good things are soon to come. A reminder that amazing and exciting things will soon surface the horizon. The good type of loneliness represents strength and courage. It represents a prospering voyage of solitude and self-discovery. This type of loneliness slightly hurts, but this pain catalyzes the healing process. It is a positive omen.
I do not miss you. I vow to myself that I will never miss you ever again. The good type of loneliness whispers in my ear that I am growing, that I am manifesting. It whispers that my hard work will soon pay off. It tells me that the past has only made me stronger, it does not define who I am now or who I am becoming.
Every day I journey down a path of purpose and passion. Every day I become stronger. Every day my lonely thoughts and daydreams slowly fade to sunshine.
Soon the sun will peak its head through my silk curtains. Soon the sun will dissipate feelings of loneliness and only shine rays of life.