I Would Be Lying If I Said I Wasn’t Still In Love With You

Dayne Topkin

No one can ever really know when the last time is actually the last time. Last kiss, last laugh, last fight—you think you have forever, until you don’t.

Our ending that we have now is a big argument over something irrelevant and unnecessary. It should’ve never happened, or even escalated to that point. But I realize now that by then, you were looking for any reason to leave.

I always find it hard to tell the story of us to other people—how we started out as something amazing and natural, and ended so unhealthy and bitter. How did we find ourselves at this awful ending? How did we get here?

Over and over again I have analyzed and tried to figure it all out. Along the way I see the obvious, but also the many clues that I stupidly ignored.
But how are you supposed to see the wrong, when all you can focus on is clinging to the little that is right?

I still remember everything about when we met, down to the littlest details. There was something about you that drew me in, and kept me there for the years to come. You were you, and never tried to be anyone else. It’s so rare—it was a treasure.

Before you, I only knew the ‘puppy’ love. You know, the kind where the skies are full of colors and bubble gum clouds are all you see. It’s innocent and fun, but at the end of the day nothing of substance.

Because real love—it’s not something to easily describe. It’s raw, and sometimes not beautiful. Yet you have these incredible moments that make everything worthwhile. You feel something being filled in that you didn’t even know was empty.

I knew what we had was real when I had come to realize something else, something important: love can mean that sometimes, no matter how much it hurts, you have to let them walk away.

It took me months, but I know now letting you go was what was best for you.

I would be lying if I said a part of me wasn’t still waiting for my phone to show your name, that you would come back into my life and shine just as bright as you did for me when I first met you, and for the past few years. After all, you were my ‘lobster’, as Phoebe from Friends would say.

I can’t predict the future—I don’t know what will happen a day, a month, and definitely not a year from now.

For the time being, what I want for you more than anything is that you’re finally happy. That you have found that missing happiness you couldn’t seem to find with me. In something, or even someone. It hurt just to type that, but it still rings true.

Because I love you enough to let you go, and I think a part of me always will. TC mark

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