A Letter To My Abusive Ex: I Don’t Forgive You

Trigger warning: Abusive relationships

It’s been three years now since I finally got the courage to leave you, but you still haven’t left me. You still creep into my head and take over. I still talk about you weekly in therapy because the trauma you caused isn’t something I can just get over. Maybe I never will.

I still hear your voice in my ears while I stand in front of the mirror, telling me how my body makes you cringe. When I’m in the shower, scrubbing away the dirt on my body, like how I wish I could scrub away the memories of you, I can still feel your hands grab the roll of fat on my stomach as you tell me how you want me to lose more weight so you might finally want to touch me. When the new person I’m seeing tells me I’m beautiful, I remember how you told me I’m not.

It’s been three years since I finally woke up and ran but I can still remember every detail of the hell that was our relationship and I feel as trapped as I did every second you kept me prisoner with your lies and manipulation.

I remember how the things I once loved; books, volunteering, nights downtown with my best friends, were replaced with nights trapped in your cold world surrounded by empty beer cans, cigarette butts, and drug fueled weekends. I remember how you’d yell if I told you I wanted to do something else.

I remember the relationships you damaged because you hated my family and friends so you convinced me they hated me too, keeping me away from the people who did actually love me. Did you hate them because they could see clearly the monster that you are?

I remember every word you ever said to me. I remember how you’d call me crazy if I cried. I remember you telling me I deserved it. Your words, like blades, cut me deep, and I apologized for staining your carpet with blood caused by the wounds you made.

I was once inspired by love stories, tales of once upon a time and happy ever after. Now I see the bad in everyone I meet. I can’t date without constantly searching for the red flags I should’ve seen in you. I can’t be touched without my pulse rising and the panic setting in.

Maybe I’m supposed to end this saying that I forgive you but that would be a lie. How do you forgive someone who not only broke your heart but destroyed every piece of your soul, taking away every ounce of self-confidence and instilling a sense of fear and self-loathing?

Every second of every day, I have to remind myself you no longer control me. You no longer have any power over me. You can no longer hurt me. But I can’t forgive you. I don’t think I ever can. However, I’m trying not to hate you anymore, because that takes energy that you don’t deserve. You don’t deserve anything. And you certainly never deserved me.