I’m not one to dive head first into dating. I’m normally pretty strategic when it comes to those I choose to be a part of my life, and the things I latch on to people for are almost never physical. However, being this type of person has also opened me up to all new kinds of annoyances.
Sometimes you meet those gems of the male gender that fall into several different categories of awful. Those that hit you with a double move and somehow cover several of the least flattering dating bases in one. Next thing you know, you’re in a very similar situation to that of a Mortal Kombat match and you start to hear a constant “FINISH HIM!” ringing in your ear.
Then that inevitable moment comes when too many combos add up, and you’re officially done with that player forever (Sub-Zero, for the win). Here are a few types of guys that did – and probably always will – the mark:
1. The Guy Your Family Still Asks About
The guy who was so charming that you have to listen to family members go on about how precious he was, and how much they liked him. Never mind that the entire situation was an emotional roller coaster that you had to jump out of just before you were about to plummet into another dip of disaster. You should have kept him around for the laughs…DUH.
2. The Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde
The one you thought was one thing, then turned out to be something entirely different. Maybe you were a little tipsy when you met him. Maybe he went all Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on you. Either way, it’s obvious he isn’t the Olympian of dating and could use some training.
3. The Guy You’re 99% Sure It Won’t Work Out With, But Are Willing To Pretend With For A Few Years
This is one that becomes consistent in its inconsistency. You get so used to the non-commitment that anything other than that feels weird and suffocating. However, I found that true friendships can come from these (yes, just friendship). If you’ve tried and managed to keep someone in your life for that long, they probably have some value in it – unless they’re emotionally damaging of course; in which case I recommend hypnosis, or Voodoo to remove them from your life (I kid… kind of).
4. The One Hitter Quitter
In my case these kind of guys aren’t one night stands (I’m not really about that life). This simply means one date is all I need to decide that I’m not interested. Every girl has deal breakers. Maybe you realized halfway through the date that he has little stubby hands so your dreams of a boyfriend that serenades you on the guitar, are crushed, or maybe his voice was more feminine than yours because you have the voice of a slightly girlier Morgan Freeman…No? Just me? Okay…
5. The Guy Your Momma Don’t Like (And She Likes Everyone)
The one that you told your mom she was wrong about, because you were too obnoxiously googly eyed to see what was obvious. Spoiler Alert: She was right. Mothers really do know best, and honestly it’s annoying sometimes. If you have a good one like mine though, she won’t tell you “I told you so.”
6. The Guy Who Farts In Front Of You Before You’re Even Dating
Okay, this one is a little specific. So let’s just say this is the one that does something disgusting in front of you before it’s acceptable in a relationship. For me, that’s usually passing gas. I will actually punch you. I MIGHT not divorce my future husband of 10 years IF he apologizes for doing it around me, and pinky promises that he won’t do it anymore.
7. The “Dear Slim, I Wrote You But You Still Ain’t Calling” Guy
The clingy one that still drives by your house and texts you even though you haven’t responded in over a year. The one that is the reason you have mace. Also, he might have a girlfriend that looks like you.
8. The Guy Who Did Everything Right, But Was Still Less Attractive To You Than Your 80-Year-Old English Professor
A.K.A NOT attractive… No feelings at all. Sorry. A solid “A” for effort though.
9. The “What’s In A Wonderball?” Guy
What’s inside that seemingly sweet shell you ask? Sociopathic tendencies and a whole lot of baggage!! SURPRISE!! Mmmm, tastes like months of psychological damage.
10. The Butt-Hurt Former Friend
The friend that wanted to date you but later insisted that you were the bad guy by not feeling the same. Classic “You put me in the friend-zone” kind of guy. I think I speak of all women when I say that we apologize for enjoying your company and friendship. How dare we stand in your presence without offering ourselves up to show our gratitude? Femi-Nazis…Am I right?
11. The Guy Who Said He Didn’t Like Harry Potter
This one needs no explanation. Avada Kedavra to your chance of dating me.
12. The “I Really Wanted Someone to Text When I Was Bored, But Now I Hope You Drop Your Phone Into a Sink Hole” Guy
Unless you’re my boyfriend, or we’re in a very engaging conversation, don’t hit me with a triple text. ESPECIALLY, not one along the lines of “Oh, so I guess you’re done talking to me anymore…” Well I was actually just taking a relaxing bubble bath complete with a calming face mask, but NOW I’M DONE, JOHNATHAN!
13. The Guy Who Wants You To Come Over And Watch Netflix
Nope. I’ve seen every show on there twice, and the next time a new guy acts like an animal and tries to grope me while watching a movie (theaters included), I will tap into my own animal instincts and actually bite his hand off. It won’t be as easy to get handsy when you’re Captain Hook’n it. Just something to think about.
14. The Guy Who Thinks You “Shouldn’t Wear So Much Makeup”
Saying I look good without make-up? Precious. Saying I look *better without it? Unnecessary. Don’t speak like that around my Urban Decay eyeshadow pallets and Colour Pop lipsticks, they can hear you. I don’t understand what’s so wrong with wanting my eyeliner to be so sharp that I could stab you with it. Also, a guy’s “no make-up” is a lot different than actual no make-up. If I look like a young Tim Burton-esqe Bush Baby, THAT’S when I’m not wearing any make-up.
15. The Guy Who Looks Like A Model But Uses Words Like ‘Irregardless’
Let’s have a moment of silence for all of the good looks wasted on men that couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if their gym memberships depended on it.
And among all of the mishaps and sinking ships, here’s one for the future:
16. The Guy Who Was Absolutely Made For You
This one will fit me better than my favorite grungy green flannel. He’ll know my soul like a book he’s read ten times over until the pages are tattered and the spine is cracked. He’ll look at me with amusement hidden in his half tipped smirk when I make one of my famous quirky facial expressions. My mom will be right about him when she says “He’s it for you.” When I sing my favorite song “Home”, I’ll think of him. Most importantly, even though he loves me an incomprehensible amount, he will strive to love God more than he loves me.
(Also, I wouldn’t mind if he was 6’5 with messy hair and an Irish accent, but if Hozier isn’t available, I guess a guy that is completely in love every part of my eccentric little soul will do.)