If there is something I want to tell the last person who said he likes me, it would be this quote I read, “I will never regret you, or say I wish I’d never met you, because once upon a time, you were exactly what I needed.”
Falling in love with the right person at the wrong time is the worst combination. I just recently recovered from a heart break, a heart break that I myself imposed on myself. I know that it so silly of me. But I cannot help it. I am already 29 years old. Up to now, I haven’t been in any serious relationship. I am following a strict set of guidelines on who I should date. This person must be a life partner material, a husband material, or a father material. I am also a hopeless romantic so jumping off from one relationship to another is not my thing.
These are the reasons why up until now, I’m still single but I have no problem with that. I am busy pursuing my dreams for myself and parents but once in a while you will think about the future. I dream of having my own happy and contented family. However, how can I achieve this dream when I don’t have any suitors at all? So, I question myself, “Am I not beautiful? Am I not attractive? Am I mean?” ⎯all these questions, asking if I am worthy of being loved at all, worthy of being pursued. I guess it goes way back in college.
I never thought of myself as someone who is beautiful even if I will hear it regularly from others. I even fringed when they tell me that I look pretty. I cannot believe it myself. All I know is I am fat and big, that’s it. But I don’t care if I don’t have suitors at that time since I knew that my father would not allow me. He is strict, very strict.
Eventually, I had a few experiences with guys but none of them lasted long and most of them I did not really like. Now, where does it lead me? Years passed, still got no suitors and no boyfriend. I am beginning to doubt my social skills. I feel like I have a sign in front of me that ward of men. But eventually, a friend of mine approached me and said that a common friend of ours likes me. Let’s call him D. D is someone who is not really close to me but I can consider him as a friend. I was surprised when I found out that he has a crush on me. When there was the opportunity for us to talk, I asked him, why me? Why does he like me? He gave me an answer that any girl will never forget. D is not my type at all. First, he is younger. Second, he is not Lee Min Ho-look alike.
So definitely, I am not physically attracted to him. But he is responsible, intelligent, God-fearing, and a lot of positive qualities that I am actually praying that I find in a life partner. I realized all these after our first and “last” date⎯as of the moment. I realized I was feeling something for him. He has the qualities that I am praying for. I have been praying to God to give me someone who loves Him first. I thought he was the answer to my prayers.
I even asked for Godly signs (many times), if it was D. All the bible passages I read seem to say YES, it is him. So, there I was, waiting for his next move. But of course, one can get impatient, so I asked again. God answered, “Wait my child.” I waited, until I realized that D and I were actually drifting apart rather than building our friendship. I am slowly losing him in my life. I tried my best to keep him in my life even just as a friend but to no avail it did not work. I was praying to God to remove all my feelings for him because I was so hurt. I thought that he was the one. All of my hope of finding true love is gone. I thought he is the person that I have been praying for the longest time. We lost each other’s friendship. God did listen to my prayers. He took my feelings away for D. Am I fine now? Yes, I am.
I learned from D that I am worth loving and worth being liked as me. His reasons for liking me, made me realized that there is someone who will like you for being YOU, the complete YOU. I also learned that I should be open to other people who are willing to prove their love, that I should give people chances to show their love for me. The sad thing is, my relationship with D did not flourish as I hoped for.
Am I angry at D? Before, yes I was. I thought that Bob Marley’s quote described him very well, “The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her.” What got me through the pain was this quote, “If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it. So don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.” I thought that he doesn’t like me that much.
I needed to let him go, let my feelings go. Eventually, I felt much better. I can talk about it without getting hurt. What I feel for him is gratitude. This quote tells what I wanted to say to him, “I will never regret you, or say I wish I’d never met you, because once upon a time, you were exactly what I needed.” I needed someone to show me that I can be attractive just the way I am. I needed someone who will tell me I am more than enough. He gave me that, for that I am grateful. Today, I pray that he may find the courage to love more.
I pray that we both find the true love that we’ve been praying for. Right now, I am taking each day with more love for myself. As I love myself more, I show to others that I am worth more than anything in this world, that I deserve so much love. The way you think and feel about yourself will also reflect how others will think and feel about you. I have learned that as I continue to journey and wait patiently for my true love.