I really don’t exactly know what I feel for you.
Is there something more than love? Because if there is, then, that is it.
Having this feeling for you both puts the biggest smile on my face and the widest crack in my heart.
I’ve kept it in. Not wanting to ruin the friendship that we have. I’ve swallowed every word I wanted to say. I forced a smile every time you seem to emphasize that we are friends, the closest, and most important of friends.
I should be happy with that, right? I used to be.
I used to be okay with having this feeling as long as we’re friends. Being your friend is better than nothing. So, when did it stop being enough?
It stopped when I started feeling so much more.
And you stayed just the same.
It would be nice to think and believe what others say – that you may feel the same thing as me, that you’re also just scared to take our friendship to another level in fear of ruining it. Sometimes I go to sleep thinking that maybe those things are true. But, you know what, I know deep in my heart that that isn’t the case.
You love me, yes, I know. But you love me like all the friends you have. Just like a friend. But in letting you go, I feel that I’m also going to let go a part of myself – a part that has always been for you. I’d have to make major decisions without asking you and have to face my fears without having you there by my side. I’d have to fight my battles alone. No one will cope for me anymore, you can’t be angry for me anymore.
Those are the scariest parts of letting you go.
I’m letting go of your loyalty, I’m letting go of your calming presence, I’m letting go of my home.
Letting you and my feelings for you go is one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do. I know it will not be an easy process, it won’t be easy but I have to do it. Because I may feel so much more for you, but those feelings aren’t enough anymore.
I can’t continue competing with others for your time, for your attention. I can’t continue feeling like I’m on cloud nine but only to crash and burn the next day. I can’t continue to expect you to be there during the little moments – you’ve been there during the major ones, but I also want you in the little ones.
I can’t continue to drop hints that you seem not to get. I can’t continue to talk proudly about you to my friends and family like I own you. I can’t continue to have my damn hope up all the time your name appears on my phone. I can’t continue to wait anymore for something that’s not going to happen. I can’t continue to feel these anymore.
You’re wonderful. You’re everything I wanted. But now I want so much more.