I am the carpenter of a house with a façade built with smiles and pleasantries. Its door is created with an intent to keep people out; but if you are truly persistent, by all means, come in. Feel at home. Help yourself with anything you would like.
Forgive me, however, for I have nothing to offer but a cup filled with emptiness. The interior of this house is decorated with words I’ll never say and feelings I’ll never admit. The walls are painted in the color of my insecurities and the floor is tiled with my fears.
My love, this is my version of wonderland. I am a caterpillar comfortably sitting on a canopy of leaves and blowing up smokes of vague letters in the air. You can stay for as long as you like, but here are my house rules.
First. I have 12 eyes looking at the world in worm’s eye view.
You see, from a worm’s eye view, everything is big. The grass is always tall. The rocks are always deadly. Petty problems appear like mountains. Mistakes are magnified.
In the same way that, for a caterpillar, a peck on the cheek is more than just a kiss… the intertwining of bodies is more than just hug… and an ‘I love you’ is more than just a declaration of affection, but a promise that you are seen for what you are; and not what you were nor what others think you should be.
Second. I move in a wavelike motion.
You will drown in my inconsistencies. I like making plans, but I like breaking them more. I wage wars with my own philosophies. I convince myself with the lies I utter.
Do not get me wrong here. I am decisive, but I am doomed to make impulsive choices. To be with a caterpillar is to accept the fact that it moves like an ocean in the middle of a storm.
You must be prepared that I might wake up tomorrow without the desire to be with you. But you have to trust me when I say that just like a wave, I will always find my way back to you. And trust me when I say that I am liar.
Third. I will feed on your toxicity.
Pessimism is not a stranger to me. It’s almost as if I expect catastrophe from everything in plain sight and that includes you. I am drawn to trouble like a caterpillar undaunted by poisonous leaves.
I will expect the worst from you, but that does not mean I do not have faith in you. It only means that I am aware of your capacity to self-destruct. When you do, I want to look at you dead in the eye and remind you that while I expected for the worst to come, I chose to love you anyway.
Fourth. You will be my metamorphosis.
Cover every inch of me with your touch. Wrap me in your blanket of good stories and bad ideas. Cut my skin with the ugly truths of the world then ice my bruises with hope. Open my eyes to the things I did not know existed. Take me to places where I would not come out the same. Be careful with nothing and everything. Transform me into something beautiful… or not. It is up to you. I am a caterpillar and you are my cocoon.
My love, I want you to bear in mind that in the house I built, the door was made with an intent to keep people out… but it will never keep a prisoner in.
Stay for as long you like.