“The Evil Dead”
Spring break gone so, so wrong. And yet, the world was introduced to Bruce Campbell as Ash, so perhaps it’s gone so, so right?
“Texas Chainsaw Massacre”
Let’s step back for a second and acknowledge how absolutely beautiful the title of this franchise is. So simplistic, so pure. Anyway, you can’t trust anyone in Texas, or at least that’s what these films taught me. Sheriff? Evil. Nice ladies in trailer? Evil. All the people at SXSW? Most likely evil.
“Carnival Of Souls”
An oldie but a goodie. I would tell you to be wary of creepy carnival music but if you’re not already then you were never meant to survive a horror movie, Utah.
“What Lies Beneath”
Another standard haunting with a star-studded cast. Maybe all the states just need to invest in a really, REALLY big stash of sage?
This one puts the standard slasher cliche on its head: the killer only targets virgins. Congratulations, Virginia, you’ve got the most fun way to avoid certain death!
Stay away from any and all unmarked VHS tapes. You know what? It’s 2016, you have no business picking up VHS tapes of ANY kind. I’m watching you, Washington.
Movies like this make me terrified to get lost anywhere. And in this one, they’ve got ARROWS! I know it’s a terrible stereotype of the backwoods “monster” but you know, maybe just stick to the main roads.
“Dawn Of The Dead” (2004)
Ahh, yes, the terrifying birth of the FAST zombie. Because that was the only way any of us had a shot to survive the apocalypse, you know — hoping to outrun/outsmart them. Sorry Wisconsin, you seem to be ground zero for this infection. Get to the local mall, stat!
Caaaaaaandy caaaaaaane. This one’s easy, guys, just don’t mess around with truckers on their CB radios! I mean, I know it’s fun but they’re just doing their jobs. And one of them might murder you. Aww, go ahead, Wyoming, have some fun! I’m sure it doesn’t end in murder EVERY time.
So D.C. isn’t technically a state but I knew I’d get crucified if I left off the scariest movie ever. Our proud capital deserves its own entry! (Even though the original story technically happened in St. Louis but you know, whatever…) I can’t emphasize this enough: avoid Pazuzu and all other forms of demon at all costs. That’s a free tip from me to you.