How To Turn A Cool Girl Into A Psycho B*tch In 20 Simple Steps

Mean Girls (Widescreen Edition)
Mean Girls (Widescreen Edition)

A one-night-stand turned periodic-booty-call, what a remarkable opportunity you both have in front of you! She’s always down to come home with you from the bars without freaking out about if you’ll call her the next day. If this is your situation, you and the “Cool Girl” have likely talked about how you both aren’t looking for anything serious and want to keep this fairly casual. It’s important to set up boundaries and guidelines moving forward and she’s 100% down. Almost the perfect girl; not only attractive, but she’s funny, laid-back, and can hang with the bros without getting weird or begging for your attention. You guys have banged a few times and still no sign of her trying to tie you down (phew!) Here are some of the key strategies you can take to completely fuck it up and turn her into a normal person with real-live human feelings:

1) After you hook up, insist on snuggling until you both fall asleep, even if she says she doesn’t like cuddling.

2) Text her randomly, not to hook up, just to talk. Ignore her if she seems weirded out by this.

3) Kiss her. Not to make-out or initiate hooking up, but just kiss her on the forehead, the nose, while she’s sleeping.

4) Invite her to hang out with you and your bros.

5) Treat her like she’s your girlfriend in front of your bros.

6) Treat her like she’s your girlfriend behind your bros’ backs.

7) Ask her questions about her family, about her goals, her job and her friends.

8) Remind her how gorgeous you think she is, like every time you hang out with her.

9) Tell her that you think she’s the shit; that she’s not “like all the other girls” and that your friends love her and think she’s hilarious.

10) Take her out for dinner and make other future plans together. Comment on how much fun you had and how much you love spending time with her.

Things are going so well! Damn, she’s actually into you and it kinda feels good! You got the hot girl to fall for you so now it’s time to really spice things up:

11) When she sleeps over again, lay on the complete opposite side of the bed and DO NOT touch her. If you feel her foot touch your leg in the middle of the night, move immediately.

12) Go back to only texting her around 9 or 10 on a Friday when you have nothing else to do.

13) Ignore her in front of your bros.

14) Ignore her when it’s just the two of you, even if you initiated hanging out again.

15) Make sure you are not paying attention when she tells you things about her day or how stressed out she is about her job.

16) Comment on the ass of the 10 that just walked by you two getting coffee (if she’s a cool girl, she would agree with you anyways, right?)

17) If she brings up the whole “what are we” conversation, politely remind her you both agreed on keeping this casual. Just because you’ve acted like you like her for the past 8 months, doesn’t mean you actually want to be around her.

18) Never ask her what’s wrong if she looks like she’s upset. She’s probably just on her period or something.

19) If she gets up and leaves your place randomly, assume it was because she didn’t feel well, not because you ignored her the whole time she was over.

20) Stop hitting her up entirely and out of the blue, but if you see her act like everything is completely normal. It’s not like you guys were a couple, so she has no reason to act weird about it.

Okay so it’s been about a month or so since your last hookup encounter, now is the PERFECT time to shoot her a text to see if she’s still DTF. She agrees to come over, but she gets there and acts like a fucking crazy bitch telling you there is no way she is hooking up with you and that she deserves a lot more than what you’re giving her, shit, maybe she will even start crying. CONGRATULATIONS! You singlehandedly turned the cool chick into a needy psycho.

Girls CAN 100% be okay with just hooking up. 150% really. Just make sure your actions match what state from the beginning and do not in any way ever act like you care about her. She is not going to give a shit about “your relationship” if you just treat it exactly like what you BOTH initially had in mind. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

More From Thought Catalog