There are end-of-year Top 10 Lists for everything – books, games, people. But what you really need this holiday season is a way to sort through all of the list detritus floating around the Internet. A captain to steer your ship free of the flotsam and jetsam polluting the clickstream.
A list of lists that you must read before you die, or you will be cursed to roam the earth eternally with absolutely zero Internet access FOREVER.
1. 26 Signs He Secretly Thinks You’re Ugly
Is your significant other doing something besides constantly making love to you or telling how you how incredibly luscious your mind and body are? Showering, shaving, going to work? Looking at his phone waiting for his mom to call? Hello, blood-red flag to the max: he’s actually trying to keep from profusely vomiting every time he looks at you. Don’t miss this list or you might end up with someone you’re making violently ill on a constant basis.
2. 604, 343, 394 Lists You Should Avoid Reading
If you come across any of these bullshit “lists” in your Internet travels, RUN. STOP. DROP. Commit hara-kiri if necessary to avoid having to lay even one goddamn eyeball on these utterly deplorable attempts at list-making. A must-read to read about what you absolutely should not be reading about what you should be reading!
3. Top 10 Cats Who Should Go Fuck Themselves
These cats are on some bullshit. Some were hating, some were throwing shade, and some just shit in your Nana’s favorite vase. All of them are entitled and tbh, just plain rude. You won’t be seeing Lil’ Bub on this list, that’s for dang sure.
4. Top 8 Links You Can’t Click
These links are broken, busted, or just not included (much like this article). But isn’t it more fun sometimes to imagine? Isn’t it, Timothy? You don’t need GI Joes from the store, COBRA is in your mind.
5. 400 Reasons Bey’s Babe is Bae
All the reasons you HAVE to love Blue Ivy, from her name to her funky hats to her status as Bey’s #1 Bae swimming in the Bay of Life. No deBAEte about it! Make sure to click all the way through to #400 for a special surprise (an ad for something tbd).
6. 6 Pictures of Your Lover Kissing a Stranger That Will Make You Question EVERYTHING
These shocking photos will make you wonder where the hell you’ve been and what’s going on in your relationship. Wait, seriously, why are these here? Is this a joke? This is incredibly fucked up. Are these Photoshopped?
7. The Best Emoticons to Use For Murder
8. Wait, seriously, you expect me to keep writing this list after seeing that? One of you is trying to hurt me. What did I ever do to you? I just wanted to write a fun and helpful article, maybe give you a good chuckle or two.
9. This is ridiculous. I’m leaving and don’t think I’m not taking the PS4 with me.
10. Ways to End an Article When You’ve Just Been Brutally Eviscerated at the Sight of The Only Person You Ever Cared About Making Love – No, That’s Not Love, It Can’t Be, Can It? – to Danielle Who You Thought Was Actually Your Friend, Like, You Went to Brunch That One Time and It Was Kind of Fun
Uggggggggggh. Happy New Year, I guess.