Ah, Fall. The season when babies are born, dolphins swim upstream, and winter starts flipping out ‘cause it’s “not ready yet.” It’s also the season where lovers young and old are like, hey, let’s do some sex. Here are some tips to help you spice it up this season!
1. Grab a handful of leaves and shove ’em in your boyfriend’s butthole! Then fuck, I guess?
2. Crisp nipples, crisp leaves. Say that a bunch of times fast. Almost sounds like you’re saying cripple, doesn’t it? That’s a very mean word. I hope you didn’t say it. Wow, you’re a big fat jerk. Saying fat isn’t nice, either. At least, not as a descriptor for a person. It’s fine when you’re talking about the actual substance. You know what? Just stop saying words.
3. Halloween Creepy Tip! Wrap your lover in gauze like a mummy so that you can unwrap them and scream “OH GOD YOU’RE ALIVE” right before they brutally devour your every limb and phalange. No, like, actually murder you, not just like a bro saying “Yo, I KILLED that puss.” That would be misogynistic.
4. Same as 3 but with a sarcophagus. I guess that’s really 3a. Or 3b, but 3 should be 3a. You still with me here?
5. A tree is dying. A tree is crying. It’s shedding its skin. Scrape off the tree bark, shape it into a phallus, and go to town on you and your partner’s every orifice. You are now one with the earth.
6. It’s getting cold. So cold. Seasonal depression haunts your bones. The chill in your bones pervades your boner. Use your boner to fuck some life back into your bones. Crush up a Xanax and teasingly sniff it off your partner’s genitals. Go on, try. Did it work?
7. Sext a picture of yourself carving a jack-o-lantern of the person’s face and sticking your dick in it. It’s the closest you can get to fucking Mother Nature. Bonus: as the days get shorter, your dick gets longer!
8. Go apple-picking with someone you love. Realize they only like you as a friend. Go home and text someone you know likes you who you’re not actually interested in. Goddamit, the cycle never ends.
9. Go on a haunted hayride! Have sex on the hay. Feel it dig into your back. It’s sharp, isn’t it? You like that, don’t you? Oh, you don’t? My bad. Also, did you ever realize maybe it’s actually YOU who’s haunted? By memories, by regrets, by things you should have said and didn’t. Is it too late?
10. Have sex in the trashcan so you can just take your condom off in it after, no fuss, no muss! Hmm, I guess that applies to any season. WAIT! The trashcan is filled with apple cores and leaves you raked up. There. Now it’s seasonal.
11. Rub cinnamon all over your sensitive areas! It REALLY hurts, guys. But so do a lot of things in life, and honestly, if you can’t take it, you don’t deserve love. Add some nutmeg to REALLY spice things up!
12. Pumpkin pussy. Self-explanatory, imho.