How To Be The Sexiest Kisser On The Internet

Kissing is a really cool and important thing that everyone should be doing at some point. Unfortunately, it’s not taught in school, even at the university level, and people are left learning about it on the streets and in shitty women’s magazines. Thank God or whoever that I’m here to give you the real spiel on how to be the best at kissing, before your man and/or woman drops you cause you’re not as good at is as me.

1. Whisper the name of their first pet and the street they lived on growing up into your partner’s mouth

There’s nothing sexier than memes. Except maybe whispers. Combine the two and your partner will be like, “wait, what?” in a confused way and there’s nothing sexier than confusion. Besides memes and whispers, so confusing, whispered memes are so sexy they break the charts. The charts about what’s sexy. If that confuses you, good, that’s sexy.

2. Breathe all the air from your lover’s lungs until they are choking and you have to give them CPR

Be a sexy savior! Nothing is sexier than death. After all, “orgasm” is French for “Morrisey” and he’s really depressed. Your partner will be eternally, hornily grateful after you kiss them to the brink of death and then revive them like that Evanescence song. It’s like autoerotic asphyxiation but with way less risk!

3. Replace your saliva with the soup of your choice

Food can be delightfully erotic, like that one foreign film with the sexy food, whatever it’s called. So can drink! Soup is the best of both worlds, because it’s a meal you can drink…while you drink in your partner! Use one of those Mr. Sucky spit-tubes from the dentist to siphon our your spit and sub in any soup that soups up YOUR motor, from tomato to gazpacho.

4. Adhere a brush to your tongue and brush your lover’s teeth

“Let’s go to bed,” you say, holding out your hand. But often when sexy thoughts take over, before-bed brushing gets neglected, especially in a newer relationship. What would the dentist who you stole the Mr. Sucky tube from say about that? Probably “wow, I’m disappointed in you.” We don’t want that!
Sexy solution? Curl your tongue around a mini-brush or even Velcro it onto your tongue. Use that tongue-brush to give individual attention to every last one of your lover’s pearlies. Bonus: each tooth has over a million nerve endings!

5. Tonsils are the clits of the mouth

Did you know, regardless of your lip-lockin’ Lothario’s gender, they have a dangling clit hanging out in the back of their mouth? Yep, as Kinsey proved with his pals Masters and Johnson back in the day, the tonsils are insanely sensually sensitive. So don’t avoid them, dive in and play some tonsil hockey or polo or the sexy sport of your choice! Worried about gagging? Don’t be! If you ignore it, it doesn’t exist!

6. The tongue is the most powerful muscle in your partner’s mouth, so do push-ups with it

Kissing burns calories! And did you know that the tongue is not just the strongest muscle in the mouth, but in your entire body?! Try grabbing your partner around the waist, turning them upside down (after safely removing all items from their pockets), and forcing them to do push-ups with their tongue! Wow! This feat will turn you on so much you’ll both be super-horny, but their tongues will be so tired they will probably need a few days of rest. I don’t know, still working this one out but it’s got a lot of potential!

7. Your tongue is an eel
Your uvula is a shark
Your throat is a crawfish
Your lips are lobsters
Can u swim?

This one’s pretty self-expanatory, imho.

Hope these help and stay turned for more tips to how be the sexiest kisser on the Internet!!! Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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