Men Aren’t Funny

It’s controversial but guess what, someone has to have the guts to say it.

Men aren’t funny.

It’s just science.

Fundamentally, men are just not built to be funny. Ever hear the phrase “you’ve got balls?”

If you believe in the theory known as evolution, which quite frankly I do these days, men reproduce by making sperm come out of their penises.

These penises, regardless of size, are always hitting them in the thigh-meat and making them think “ugh, how can I distribute the material that I am producing in my balls into a vagina to make it grow a human with about 50% of my DNA into a pretty lady so that we can have very nice and/or even great-looking children.” They can barely walk down the street without seeing an attractive woman and involuntarily making an “unggggh” moany kind of noise because they want these children so bad.

Let’s be frank. This constant torture-itch, this albatross between their legs. Makes it MUCH too hard to focus on comedy, or even its civilian layperson equivalent, “being SO funny.”

Sometimes they even spill the seed when they don’t mean to, and utter the phrase, “whoops!” Can we trust someone like that to run our country, much less empower them with the task of making us laugh?

Men like sports. Sports aren’t funny.

Men like war. War is the opposite of funny.

Men like beer, which sadly alters the brain molecules that perceive humor and makes them think they are being funny when they’re actually being The Antifunny.

Sadly, men not being funny and women being funny is one of the main reasons for the myriad communication problems between the sexes. Although there is some recent evidence that gay men can be funny, which explains why they are attracted primarily to other gay men (a sense of humor is attractive.)

Why the common misperception that men can be funny? There are several explanations:

1. Men often repeat jokes that women have said or written. These jokes are then falsely attributed to the men themselves as the authors.

2. Straight women over the years who were terrified or just beaten down by oppression would sometimes allow men to think they were funny.

3. The patriarchy. Well, that’s sort of tied to point number 2. Also, male ego.

There is a rare straight man here or there who can be genuinely funny. Some attribute it to the infinity theory (“if you put monkeys with typewriters in a room….”) but there is also some evidence archaeologists have found dating back to the Mayan civilization that men can be funny based on cave paintings of some dicks that we think were done by men. And dicks are funny in themselves, one of the great ironies of men not being funny.

Why are there so many male comics them, you may be asking right now, feeling the heat rise in your cheeks with anger, or just simply filled with genuine curiosity? Well, the aforementioned patriarchy. Plus, many many years ago, when women ruled the universe, they put an affirmative action program in place that some say was actually really grudgingly picking out the least unfunny men. That program remains in place to this day, secretly, on network television and in comedy clubs around the world. We can’t stop it because now it’s like the Illuminati. Or at least The Harvard Skulls.

“But my dad told a funny joke once.” Sure, he did. Once. See the aforementioned infinity theory.

The question becomes: how can we help men be funnier? Make them menstruate? Enable them to give birth? Force them to go through life as women for a while? Unfortunately, the first two options are not scientifically possible and the third is largely untenable despite our best efforts. A rigorous training program administered at an early age, back when kids are still imaginative and whimsical, has shown some promise.

But what about older guys? Men, even? Is it hopeless?

Well, nothing is hopeless. Eh, that’s not true, some things are. Experts say look to the women in your life for guidance and stop thinking you’re so fucking hilarious all the time.

Or just be George Carlin. That guy was actually funny.

Unfortunately, the rare Actual Funny Man tends to die prematurely. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

featured image – YouTube

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