I Lost My Soul Mate Inside Our Own Toxic Relationship

The Phope

We were young, we were lost, and we wanted more than what we could handle. The first time I saw you, I knew I’d always known you. I had never met someone with whom I bonded instantly, and it wasn’t just because of a beer, it was because I understood your vulnerabilities. And you understood mine.

Things were great for a while, and then they changed. Things got wild. Because we both needed the ecstasy that the mundane course of life couldn’t afford us, we started to self-medicate. And it was fun. You were there for so many of my first times. You taught me how to swim, like a child. You held me when I was cold and you took me to the hospital when I was sick. You made me laugh when I wanted to cry and you made me love you when I hated everything else.

But the good things don’t last in life.

Boredom set in and we both lost track of time. You could never forgive the first strike. And I could never forgive your lies.

Jealousy led us to the brink of madness, but we weren’t done hurting each other – we wanted to own each other.

We closed ourselves in this dark pit, that we thought was fuelled by our love, but it was only our own rage and it would consume us. You looked at me as your enemy and I looked at you as my ultimate betrayer. But even then I could never bring myself to hate you. And I know you couldn’t too.

We both had our emotional baggage but we were too young and foolish to talk it out.

Instead, we bottled up our feelings and the fury became imminent. Fear and love became one and you thought you’d won. I was scared of your anger but you wore it like a badge of honor. You were scared of my free spirit and you sought to stifle it. We were both so obdurate about our quest to own each other that we forgot how to love each other.

The last time I saw you was just the tip of the iceberg. Together we had developed an awful habit, but I never knew you’d go all the way through. You became a hardened alcoholic and you were a whole new person to me. You were no longer my caring lover, the man who’d sheltered me from the evils of this world.

You became the evil, and you pushed me toward a myriad of troubles.

I knew it was over then, just like I knew it was over the countless times we’d part ways in the past. But something had changed that made me convinced our paths wouldn’t cross again. You were no longer the man I fell in love, the man I willingly sacrificed my freedom for.

I’m sorry about my own faults too. Indeed, we both mutually wrecked the haven we had built. I’m sorry about them. I never meant to but you left me no other choice when I saw her picture on your phone. I never knew what a broken heart felt like until then, and I guess I never recovered. I know that now, you hate me as passionately as you used to love me. And I know that you expect the same of me. But I was never that person, that’s what you made me.

All I want to say is: the ride was topsy turvy but thank you for having loved me. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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