Advice For You And Your Next Girlfriend

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You:

1. Pay attention to her. At the very least try to look at her when she’s talking to you, not your phone.

2. Remember that she has hobbies and a life, too. Do not put either of those down.

3. Do not let her become bored. If she has to ask you (several times) to do something fun, listen to her.

4. If she allows herself to be vulnerable, do not take that for granted.

5. Do not ever (EVER!) put your finger in her face. Especially, if it’s to answer to a text message. Idiot.

6. Suddenly crashing at her place reeking of beer after having a fight over the phone doesn’t automatically fix things. It just makes the sheets stink. If you’re going to stay out late, stay out.

7. Keep opening doors. That was nice.

8. “It’s a non-issue” is not a valid argument to anything. It’s infuriating. It’s an issue because she’s either hurt, concerned or putting in an effort. It’s an issue because she’s making it an issue. Deal with it.

9. Don’t avoid merging your families if it’s important to her. It’ll just piss her off and you won’t have anyone on your side when she leaves your ass.

Her:

1. Sports are his number one priority in life. Not you. Not after six months and not after a year. He will spend hundreds of dollars going to a game away from home or season tickets but will not take you out for a casual dinner because “he’s saving money.”

2. He will be on his phone at dinner. He will be on it longer than you’d like to be seen sitting opposite of it at a restaurant. Hope you enjoy staring at the Apple symbol.

3. You will try really hard to learn about his hobbies (sports) but there’s no use because you “don’t even know about the pitcher’s stats.”

4. His coworkers are more important to him than you are because he’s “known them for years.” It will not only be annoying, but pathetic. He will choose to stay out with them rather than coming home to you like he promised.

5. If you’re excited about something, expect him to take that particular time to update his fantasy football league. Examples include: a concert, happy hour, and your graduation.

6. Fantasy Football drafts will take up entire days.

7. The sweet compliments will fade. And fast.

8. If you make a fool of yourself, even if it’s just to be silly, he will judge you.

9. He will go to Bartender’s Bash in Key West every year, even after you’ve had a fight. And remember it will be a non-issue.