An Honest Cover Letter

My address / Place I poop the most
Phone number mainly called by my mom
Date I wrote the master draft before changing out the names to fit your business.

[Your company] that I’m unsure if to include Inc. after
Address I Googled that I’m only 70% sure is correct

Dear Sir, Madam, or random person I chose off [the company’s] website:

Are you looking for an employee? Have you been struggling to find a subordinate who can meet your qualifications, then never live up to them? Well look no further, because there are plenty, and I want this job. After quickly skimming through the “About” section on your website, immediately cut short upon seeing that this is a paid internship, I have determined that [your company] meets whatever standards I apparently have left, and would like to get paid by you.

I can offer [your company] my following qualifications:

• Being alive: Almost always operating at around 98.6 °F, I possess the unique skill of being able to be one in many nameless faces surrounding you five days of the week.
• Skills: Being a person, I come with a varied list of skills, most of which are unsuited for 95% of jobs. I can operate most computer programs, but particularly shine in my ability to get angry when these programs fail me.
• An average will and dedication: Although you are my 12th in a long line of applications, don’t assume I won’t bring the same level of unflinching mediocrity to this job as I would any other. I pledge myself to working hard enough to distract myself from my internal emptiness, but not hard enough for you to learn my name.

[Your Company] is one that, while I know doesn’t require an ego boost, I will continue to flatter in this cover letter. By using meaningless descriptive compliments, such as “established” or “forward-thinking”, I will make it appear as though I understand your business, when in reality I barely know the position I’m applying for.

Here I will pointlessly restate what this is all about; followed by the contact info I’m sure you’ll sweep into the pile of only vaguely different cries for help.

I look forward to three weeks of uncertainty before an apathetic rejection,

[My first, last, and middle name in an attempt to be fancy] TC mark

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