1. If you see your best friend petting your cat, it’s adorable. If you see them petting the love of your life, not only are you heartbroken, you’re deeply confused.
2. Cats don’t have political beliefs that clash with your father’s, and cats can’t be passive aggressive to your mother because they can’t even speak, let alone condescend.
3. If your cat poops where it’s not supposed to, you train it to poop in a box.
If your SO poops where they’re not supposed to, you have to stage an intervention.
4. Cats never have to “focus on their careers”.
5. If you take videos of your cat falling off a windowsill and post it online, you get a million hits. You do that with your SO, they’ll slowly poison you over the coming months, making the death look like natural causes.
6. If you bring your SO out with your friends, it can be awkward. If you bring your cat with you, this TGI Friday’s just got a whole lot cooler.
7. If your cat bites you, you just stop petting it. If your SO bites you, they most likely have rabies, and need emergency medical attention.
8. Your SO might spend too much money, while cats don’t even recognize currency as a means of exchange.
9. If you throw your cat, it’ll land on its feet. If you throw your SO, you’ll be tried in a court of law for a class B felony.
10. You don’t have to worry about state laws preventing you from marrying your cat, as your cat probably only thinks of you as an acquaintance anyway.
11. Your cat doesn’t care if you call it “Cat”, but if you call your SO “Human”, you’ll slowly create a painful emotional divide between the two of you, resulting in a hollow shell of a relationship.
12. If you’re at a restaurant, and your SO is rude to the staff, you get annoyed. If your cat does the same thing, you’re impressed with the cat’s people skills.
13. Holidays and birthdays can be a mental minefield with your SO, while your cat has lost the ability to tell the days apart, stuck in the eternal limbo of your house.
14. If your cat gets pregnant, you can give the kittens to your friends. If your SO gets pregnant, your friends will refuse to take your bastard child.
15. If you hit your cat with your car, you really just have to clean the tire. If you hit your SO with your car, it’ll take much longer to clean your tire.