I have always been a somewhat spontaneous, outgoing girl who is not afraid to try new things. I also have a fairly diverse sexual past. Thus, when I met Kyle, a 28-year-old teacher, on an online dating website and he mentioned his pee fetish, I was not phased one bit. In fact, embarrassingly enough, the idea intrigued me. I mean, his questions seemed harmless: “Do you ever pee in the lake?” came first, followed by: “Do you ever pee in the shower?” Since I wanted to find out more, I lied and told him yes. It did not occur to me that Kyle would use his pee fetish to emotionally abuse me for nine months.
After learning through multiple text messaging conversations that Kyle enjoyed watching women pee, I stood my ground and made sure he understood that I was not just looking for sex. But he is an expert at deception and assured me that he wanted a relationship as well. Kyle insisted he was a nice guy and would not hurt me. The first date we went on was a convergence of sorts. I admitted that I was incredibly nervous to meet someone in person off a website. Thus, in an attempt to be sensitive, Kyle created a low-key atmosphere. He bought a 6-pack and we drank and talked at a picnic table in one of our state parks. I was immediately infatuated with Kyle. We had a lot in common – a love of cars, running, and spicy food. I also learned he was in the process of buying a house which made him that much more appealing since I was entering my 3rd year of graduate school and 65,000 thousand dollars in debt. I’ve always been attracted to older men, but that summer I put anyone who had a “real adult” life on a pedestal As the date continued and I got tipsy on my 3 beers, I eventually had to “break the seal.” Obviously, Kyle wanted a front row seat. Figuring it wasn’t the weirdest thing in the world and I had to pee anyways, I lifted my skirt, took off my underwear, and let him watch the stream. Kyle was instantly hard.
After I peed in the wild, we were both turned on and Kyle started to finger me. Long story short, we sex on top of the picnic table. I know what you’re thinking. How can I expect to develop a serious relationship by sleeping with someone the first time I meet him? Yes, in hindsight, it was a mistake. It also felt right at the time though. Our date got cut short because Kyle went to go make an offer on a house, but he hugged me goodbye and asked to hang out tomorrow. I was on cloud nine. Everything was perfect – the sex was fabulous, he wanted to see me again, and I enjoyed his company.
The next day, I told Kyle I could stop by after physical therapy. He said he had already “taken care of himself” and it takes him “a long time to reset.” I offered to just hang out instead. He was not interested. I should have known what was happening. He started to ignore more frequently and for longer periods of time only to finally text me: “Sorry, I’ve been thinking about it and all I’m interested in is sex.” I was blown away. What had happened? I started to beat myself up. Maybe I wasn’t receptive enough to his fetish, or maybe I was too clingy. I asked him what changed, but he couldn’t provide a clear answer. Like anyone who has ever been hurt, I thought that if I continued to sleep with him, eventually he would want to date me.
We went back and forth for two months with him only texting me when he was horny and myself thinking that meant he was interested in me. I helped him renovate his house, we watched sports together, got drunk, but I was never allowed to spend the night. I even bought him a housewarming gift. However, it freaked him out and he felt the need to mention for the millionth time that I was not his girlfriend. Within this time period, he also expanded his pee fetish. It wasn’t just about watching women pee anymore – he wanted to pee on me. I will admit that a part of me liked how turned on he got just from something so simple and “natural”, so I agreed to do whatever he wanted. He peed on me. I drank his pee. I even wet my pants for him. Kyle told me I was the only girl who he got to watch pee. It made me feel special in the sickest way possible. Now that I look back on it, he obviously had some sort of hold on me that I will never understand, but I think he just wanted to see how far he could push me. That right there is the crux of emotional abuse.
Unfortunately, I could not bring myself to end it either. I ran into Kyle at Starbucks one day and he completely ignored me, denying the fact that I was ever there. I asked him about it and he said that he knew it was wrong, but he was hoping I would just “get the picture.” I realized at that point that Kyle put me in danger. He didn’t care about any consequences, especially my feelings. It made realize I couldn’t validate myself by how many times he wanted to have sex with me – it was bad for my health.
As cliché as it sounds, I am stronger than I was before because I will never let anyone emotionally slap me around like that again. I know what I need now and it is not a guy who gets off by peeing on me. Sometimes you cannot see the abuse that is happening right in front of you. It took me nine months too long, but I got there. I took a step back and I reminded myself that the one thing I definitely don’t need is a pee fetish for validation.