It’s So Hard To Just Be Your Friend, When All I Want Is To Be Your Girlfriend Again

It’s been a year and a half. A year and a half since I told you I thought we should break up. A year and a half since you went along with it. A year and a half that I have gone about life regretting I ever said the words.

It’s taken a year and a half to not be strangers. It’s taken a year and a half for us to be actual friends, which is a lot more than most exes can say.

And now, you say we should hang out. And I want to, trust me, I do. But I am so scared. I can act like I got over you a while ago. I can pretend when I walk to campus I don’t look out for you. I can keep things friendly. But none of that changes the fact I wish I was your girlfriend. And I do not think that is normal. After a year and half I shouldn’t be hung up on you.

But I will always wonder had we not broken up that summer, how long would we have stayed together? Would I have had a date (you) to my sister’s wedding? Would we be celebrating almost two years together? Would I have made the decision to graduate early? Or gone abroad for a second time? Would we have both been happier people for it?

I want to take away your pain and make you feel loved.

I want to show you how incredible and smart and handsome you are. I do wonder if I’m building you up in my mind because of our history. There’s some reason I’m still holding on to you and I would give anything to know why. I have even made a pro and con list about you. This is all clearly a me problem.

And so, if you mention again that we should hang out, I will agree. I will drink beer with you and make casual conversation, hoping we do not get too close in proximity to each other. I will sit there wanting to jump your bones. And God help me, may you not decide you feel the same in that moment. I can’t take a second time of you changing your mind. I don’t want to be the desperate girl. I honestly and sincerely want to be content being your friend. Because even as just your friend, I’m able to be there for you in other ways.

You once said I was forceful, but in the assertive, powerful, strong way. I was forceful in getting you back as a friend. But that’s as far as I’ll go. And acceptance is something I have to learn.