The Lengths Women Go To In Order To Protect Men From Periods

New Girl
New Girl

About every twenty-eight days, a woman is blessed with a gift. It is quite a special, universal gift. Often referred to as “the curse,” it arrives from none other than Mother Nature.

A woman must do everything in her power to conceal the fact she is indeed on her period, due to the opinions of the outside world.  Many people often find periods unpleasant, disgusting, revolting, and repulsive.  Therefore, it is a woman’s job to be as discrete with her period as possible, in order to protect the innocent minds of others, especially men.  A woman should definitely feel embarrassed and self-conscious about having her period, and therefore should take necessary precautions to avoid the potential torturous mental discomfort of men everywhere.

Since so called “feminine products” unquestionably need to be concealed when walking to the bathroom, women have developed some ingenious ways to fool the unknowing public. Some of the obvious methods include, but are not limited to: placing the tampon in a cupped hand held against an arm or leg, in a pant pocket, in the waist of pants, or in the bra. The fragile public quickly caught on to these though, and a much more discrete method certainly needed to be invented.

Enter the riding boot. After all, is that not what boots were made for? A common misconception is that women wear these boots because they find them fashionable; however, riding boots are solely purchased because of their convenience for placing tampons. They extend to the knee, designed specifically for the very purpose of secretly concealing tampons. To keep tampons from sliding down to the bottom of the foot, making the walk to the bathroom uncomfortable, engineers are diligently trying to solve this problem.

Long sleeves can also hide tampons. Unfortunately, long sleeves and boots are uncomfortable in summer weather. However, women must learn to endure these hardships if they are going to avoid total embarrassment of being seen in public with a tampon.

Another non-imaginative method used by several women is the famous, “I’m just taking my purse to the bathroom.” In any case, a woman never knows when she might need her money or credit card when in the restroom.

Since the above methods are losing their effectiveness, the FBI and the CIA have assigned a special task force to develop new methods of hiding tampons. This is a good use of our nation’s resources.  FBI Director James B. Comey stated at a recent national briefing that they are “Working 24/7 on this vital project.”

Even President Obama realizes the importance of keeping periods secret, stating, “I am the president, and I have no idea when Michelle, Malia, and Sasha are menstruating…is that term politically correct?”

If a woman cannot successfully conceal her tampon by utilizing one of the former methods, she should just stay at home, by herself, alone. That is the sole reason the game solitaire was invented. Hiding away from society is the next best method in order to make sure no one knows that a woman is on her period.

A woman must be very careful with her mood. It is a well-known, scientific fact that even a little moodiness indicates a woman is, or about to be, on her period. Everyone knows that nothing else ever affects a woman’s mood. To avoid the suspicion of a woman being on her period, all moody women must seclude themselves at home.

If a man ever suspects a woman is on her period, the topic should be avoided at all costs.  It is never right, under any circumstance, for a man to know about a woman’s period.  It may tip him from partial insanity to total insanity.  It is therefore better to make men believe woman do not get periods.  Men will believe anything. TC mark

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