Everyone out there will tell you it’s wrong. “Don’t do it,” they say. “Have the decency to break up with him in person,” they say.
And I used to agree with those sentiments, until it happened.
I had a weird relationship with my boyfriend. We dated “officially” for three months but were together for about five months. During that entire time, we never once talked on the phone or used Skype. I was also in Spain for a month and a half and we only ever messaged each other. To top it all off, we had been long distance for two of the three “official” months. Therefore I didn’t even think to pick up the phone and call him when the conversation got intense. That wasn’t our relationship. It would have been so strange and painful for both of us.
He has a quiet soul. He’s not the kind of person to express his emotions. I have a quiet soul, too. But the writer within me can’t help but to express my emotions. I let people know I care. It’s impossible to mask those kinds of things.
On the day we ended things, it’s not like I woke up and said to myself, “This is the day I’m going to break up with my boyfriend!” No. I had no intention to do so. But then we were texting, like usual, and the conversation was stale, as usual. I asked him how he thought things were going between us. He said fine. He asked me the same, and that’s when all the apprehensions racing through my mind from the past weeks came flowing from my fingers like word vomit.
After I spit them all up, he asked me what I was really trying to say to him. At this point I was laying face down on my bed, head buried in my pillow, heart racing. I finally texted him that maybe we should break up.
I hated myself the minute I pressed send.
Who the hell does this? I thought. I’m such a bad person.
But then he texted me right back simply thanking me for being honest. I asked him if he was okay with it, secretly hoping he wasn’t so we could fix things and go back to normal, but all he responded was, “If that’s what you want.”
And this is when I hated myself even more, because here I was, trying to fight for us, but he gave up the minute I expressed uneasiness about our relationship. He didn’t try to rescue us. He readily let me go. I became someone worth letting go of. It’s a shitty feeling.
Now, every time I attempt to reach out to him he shuts me down. He doesn’t understand why I still care, why I still want to be friends.
When someone plays a strong role in my life, it’s hard to let go. I don’t know where to place him anymore. He apparently got closure soon after the break up. He’s unforgiving of my word vomit and I’m no longer a supporting character in the play of his life. I was cast out.
It’s a weird feeling, still thinking about someone and knowing the action’s not reciprocated. I wish he would stop entering my mind, but he’s an old friend to me. And I’m just a bitch to him.
Sure, he deserved more than a text message. But do I regret my actions? Not after his (lack of a) response and how he has treated me since. I have apologized too many times. I even told him I wasn’t over him.
That’s what I am to him.
But with any luck, maybe someday I’ll view myself as someone worth keeping.