When You’re Too Rational About Your Relationships

First things first, I’m a realist. Not “the realest” like Iggy Azaela. A realist.

I am the person who brings others back down to earth when their thoughts become so farfetched, for I do not think with emotion, but logic.

The term “Wise mind” is the combination of Reasonable Mind and Emotion Mind. Reasonable Mind is to think logically. Emotion mind is to make decisions based on emotion. Pretty self-explanatory. Picture a Venn diagram of the two subjects; and where they overlap, you will find Wise mind.

It is called Wise mind, because in a perfect world, people would use their Emotion mind and Reasonable mind equally in making both everyday and big life decisions. When a decision feels right, it is said you are using Wise mind. However, people tend to lean toward one side of the spectrum over the other, being not so wise in the end.

I am guilty of making too-rational decisions. Emotion takes a back seat in my world. We as the human race are rational animals, after all, according to Douglas T. Kendrick and Vladas Griskevicius.

In The Rational Animal, the authors describe the concept of the subselves. Apparently, there are seven subselves that are responsible for human beings making different decisions or acting a certain way depending on which subself is activated at that time: self-protection, disease avoidance, affiliation, status, mate acquisition, mate retention, or kin care.

I made a rational decision about you.

My affiliation subself was activated by the desire to maintain our friendship. My self-protection subself kicked into gear, not wanting to get hurt. I ignored the mate acquisition subself.

My realist brain saw things going nowhere. My realist brain asked what was the point? My realist brain always asks what is the point. My realist brain told me if I was not going to marry you, why were we trying to stay together? Why date at all if you do not see a future? My realist brain tried to make sense of the mess we had gotten ourselves into.

My realist brain made too much sense of our mess.

This decision we made still does not feel right to me. It is not a product of the Wise mind. But, when I suggested we take a break, a permanent break, you were on board. You agreed it was best. And so I surrendered to my Reasonable mind, demoting the title you held in my life.

Sometimes I wish I could be more emotional. Not emotional in the sense that I think obsessive crying is normal, but emotional where I can express myself effectively.

Sometimes I wish I could hate you. Then it would make things easier. I do not like feeling neutral, defeated. It’s so blah. But I know you don’t deserve to be hated. That’s the last thing you, my friend, deserve.

“Time makes you bolder, even children get older, and I’m getting older too.”

Maybe in the future we’ll have our chance. My realist brain says no.