I Never Meant To Like You This Much

I never meant to like you this much. What have you done to the old me? I always considered myself too independent to share myself with someone else romantically, give him my all. I’ve always been more of a one-night-stand kind of girl. No feelings. No mess. Parting ways in the morning. Simple, like me.

And now there’s you.

I look forward to the next time I get to see you. I try not to let it show, though. I don’t know why this is. It’s like I’m afraid of showing you how much I like you.

No boy has ever hurt me, yet I’m scared of it happening. I ensure it won’t happen by pushing people away. If I sense someone is starting to become distant, I become distant first. I abandon ship. It’s a natural instinct I use to protect myself.

I’m afraid of liking you more than you like me. I’m afraid of you having feelings for your ex again. It took you two years to completely get over her, and the funny thing is, I helped you in that process. I’m afraid I’m just your replacement for her. I’m afraid of time. I’m afraid of what distance will do to us.

I hate labels. Facebook doesn’t even say that I’m single. I just leave that information box blank. Now, Facebook has a new feature where you can “ask” others what their relationship status is if the box is empty by clicking a button. I think it’s the most ridiculous thing. If I wanted to share my status with people, I would.

You’re the first person I wouldn’t mind putting a label to. Sharing with others that you’re an important person in my life.

But how do you go about putting a label on something that has a ticking time bomb? Give it a month and we’ll both be in separate cities. We won’t see each other again for three months. A lot can happen in three months. Just look at us.

We both avoid the conversation because that is in the future. Serious topics never came easy to us. I’m surprised we’ve made it to this point.

This could simply be a summer romance, or it could turn into something more. No matter what happens, I want to thank you. Thank you for being my friend first, for not giving up on me, and for showing me that I don’t have to be content with being forever alone. I am capable of sharing myself. I just have to find the right person. You passed the imaginary test that was breaking down my walls, and for that, I am grateful. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

featured image – Leanne Surfleet

I’m handing you my box full of darkness.

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