Why I Choose To Stay In A Violent Relationship


Alcohol always makes me horny. I jump at male attention and often end up in strange beds. This is the way I make myself feel loved and beautiful even just for the night. I know it is wrong and I have learned firsthand that the feeling is not sustainable.

On one of these drunk, foolish nights I met Nathan. The actual meeting is not so memorable. It was a house party and I have a hazy memory of us kissing by the DJ booth as others danced around us. The music was loud and his passion was intense. After a hour or so, we made it to his house where we smoked pot and drank rum. I was now high, drunk and still very horny.

He pulled me up to standing position, kissing me more roughly. As he undid his pants, he slowly led my face down to his dick. Now on my knees, I licked the head slowly and then took it fully in to my mouth. He decided to take control, grabbing my head firmly and then proceeding to thrust his penis hard in to the back of my throat. I felt helpless, gagging as he kept thrusting. He came just as I thought I would pass out.

After I caught my breath, we continued to explore each others bodies and I ended up experiencing a whole new form of sex. Sex that was very terrifying but exciting at the time.

The next day, I noticed dozens of dark bruises covering my stomach, thighs and boobs. My mouth and throat felt raw. My stomach churned all day. I was scared but somehow, something in me still wanted more and I met up for dinner with him later that week.

At dinner he commented on my low self esteem and how it was very unattractive. I was shocked he even knew I lacked confidence and constantly put myself down. I thought I hid it well. He asked me why I thought everyone was better than me. I came up with multiple answers which he quickly shut down. He then told me to love myself because so many other people did. I promised to myself, that from this day forward I would work on my confidence. He had a point, I was who I was and people do love me for that so I should too.

The last six months I have been seeing Nathan exclusively. I am constantly covered in bruises from rough sex. I have been strangled multiple times, to the point where tears well up in my eyes and bruises are left on my neck. One time I was hit across the face with a book as he fucked me, which lead to a week of lies to explain the dominant bruise spread across my cheek bone. These days I have to be wary of what I wear to ensure my bruises are hidden.

I know this is wrong and I should leave him. I just can’t let go, I feel so alive when we are having sex. I feel so full and special like I am the only one he wants to touch. He wants me all and just the way I am. Our relationship is not just made of rough sex, he is always taking me on dates, buying me presents and showers me in compliments. He has helped a lot with my confidence and I feel so much better about who I am today.

I am ignoring everything I have been taught about how men should treat me. Family and friends would be disappointed if they knew. Feminists would be embarrassed to call me a female. Some would say he is taking advantage of me and I agree. However, I am the happiest I have been for a long time and I just can’t let go of this happiness. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

More From Thought Catalog