1. All Australians ride kangaroos to school.
Australia is ranked as one of the highest countries with high levels of CO2 per capita because of the high concentration of CO2 in kangaroo fart. The Australian car company, Holden, decided to cease production in its factories last year because they have forecasted that Australians will no longer have a need for cars and will instead be resorting to marsupial pogo sticks as their primary method of transport. Ridiculous? Just as ridiculous as thinking that you can ride a kangaroo in the first place. It would be a really fun ride though, just wouldn’t know which seat to take; minuscule pouch that will only fit my calves or the hairy back where I would have to cling on for dear life?
2. Australians have Koalas as pets.
Koalas sleep like 23 hours of the day. I’ve never in my life seen an koala awake except when it’s in front of a live TV crew shaking hands with Prince William or The Queen. Damn, these bears are celebrity hungry. Koalas are so high maintenance that they can only live (read: sleep) on Eucalyptus trees and must be constantly clinging on to something. Did I mention that they sleep like all the time? Koalas would be just about the most boring pet on earth — if you want a furry cuddly bear as a pet, I suggest you opt for a panda instead.
3. Australians swim and wrestle with crocodiles.
There are only two Australians good with crocodiles — one was just an actor pretending to be good at it and the other is now dead (may you rest in peace Steve). If I happen to ever be in the vicinity of a crocodile, I will scream and run the hell away from it as fast as I can. They’re 6-foot long lizards who can eat you alive…why would you try to wrestle with them?
4. Australian kids throw boomerangs instead of basketballs.
Boomerangs do not really have a part in the life of an ordinary urban-living Australian other than their presence in souvenir shops. Hardly anyone has one lying around let alone knows how to throw one. Boomerangs were primarily used for hunting back in the day and since we no longer hunt, they are now primarily used to spruce up a mantlepiece. Although, if boomerangs were ever to make a comeback and replace basketballs, it would allow you to conveniently play catch all by yourself. I can already hear the introverts jumping for joy.
5. Everybody eats Vegemite for breakfast every day.
Thinking that somebody has the same meal every day for breakfast is insane, let alone the population of a whole continent. The truth is, there is a significant proportion of Australians who don’t even like Vegemite; it’s one of those things you either love or hate. If you can get your head around the fact that you’re eating leftover fermented brewer’s yeast that’s been mixed with various spices, Vegemite is actually quite edible and goes well with toast and crackers. Although it did take me around a decade of living in Australia and a school camp that only served Vegemite on toast for breakfast to even get me to taste the poo-coloured jam. But nobody eats it every day.
6. All Australian guys are surfers and have a body like one.