Some people just aren’t cut out for the service industry and I am one of those people. The reason I am still stuck in a service job can perhaps be attributed toward perhaps the most irritating requirement of all jobs, experience. I started working as a checkout chick at age 15 and a bartender at age 18, both jobs I landed without putting a second thought into the fact that I would have to deal with two very irritating publics; drunken people who can barely compose sentences and shoppers who feel obliged to be nice to me because of social conventions. There are a multitude of misconceptions about the service industry and I feel it is my duty to set a few of them straight.
1. I don’t care if you talk on the phone. Hell, I don’t even care if you have the common courtesy to say thank you
Many people don’t know this but service assistants as supermarkets generally, after an hour or so at work wander of into a euphoric day dream state, my personal favorite is an improvised version of Channing Tatum’s strip dance in Magic Mike; one in which he is personally directing all his heatedly sexual dance move towards me. The absolute gut wrenching pain when someone comes along and interrupts this personal day-dream is only worsened when the person actually turns out to be genuinely nice, then you know you have to pack their eggs underneath their bread and neatly distribute their frozen food in the freezer bag. That’s a lot of pressure, so please carry on your phone conversations people and leave Channing and I
2. You can’t tip checkout chicks people!
You have no idea the amount of flattery people expect to receive after saying “keep the change” especially if the said person hangs around in order to receive such appraisal. As a check out chick it is actually illegal for us to keep tips, it’s not hospitality, do you see a tip jar next to my receipt printer and water bottle? No! So don’t make me have to go through the awkward process of returning the 5 cent tip you left for me or worse still walking away and me having to explain the incident to my manager before serving the next customer.
3. Similarly in bartending, I don’t want you to think I’m going to become your personal sex slave if you tip me
I have actually rejected tips before because of this. Just because you have left me a hefty tip it does not mean I will have sex with you, go on a date with you or take your number. Tips are tips, they are supposed to be given willingly and without an agenda. The ultimate tipping experience for a bartender is talking to someone they strike a good conversation with and then have them walking away leaving a tip and the anticipation of hopefully seeing them again. That being said, there is nothing worse than being nice to someone who seems like a decent person only for them to ruin their perceived good nature by constantly coming back to your bar section every time, edging closer toward you, leaving larger tips and making increasingly inappropriate comments such as “so are you staying with me tonight?”. If you’re that kind of tipper then why not save your money, invest it in a prostitute and leave us poor bartenders alone!
4. When a cute guy/girl comes along you will fuck up your service in some way.
Fact. I mean I’ve had so much terrible incidents of this happening to me… countless. The worst of all recorded incidents was when the guy I lost my virginity to and hadn’t seen in a year decided to join the cue in my register as opposed to going to another counter with no line. When it finally did come time to serve said person one of the first items I scanned was a packet of condoms hidden under a six pack of tea towels and of course, typical of my luck, the condoms were inaccurately barcoded, meaning I had to type in the bar code into my register, this is a process that could have taken seconds but because I managed to fuck up the number every time it ended up taking around five minutes. Safe to say it was an awkward experience for both parties. He never came in my cue again. Mind the pun, you dirty minded humans.