It has been a year without you and I have had a lot of time to analyze and understand what went wrong, not because I still have feelings for you, but simply because I was breaking apart mentally and I needed to go back and understand every single thing that could have possibly broken me, to be able to fix myself. My relationship with you, sadly, turned out to be one of those things.
I cared about you very much and a lot of times my “crazy/jealous” behavior was based on the fear of losing you. After our break up, I was trying to handle it all – the fact that you never got to love me, or maybe you did and were never brave enough to tell me, the fact that you jumped out of it so easily and replaced me with the next fool from Tinder that came your way.
You told me that you couldn’t stand drama, but it really wasn’t about drama. I was a person just like anyone else who loved and cared deeply. I admit. I was too much sometimes with my emotions.
But I feel things a little harder than most of the people, so what? That’s who I am and I am not ashamed of it, at least not any more.
I did have depression while I was with you, but it’s something I had for many years even before meeting you and I was dealing with it, more or less.
When I was with you, there were moments when everything felt almost perfect, but there was also something missing. I cannot tell now what that was or if it was simply something in my mind screwing me up. I was mentally unstable and depressed, and I am not scared to tell you this now because you are far away gone and I have nothing to lose anymore.
I don’t want you to pity me either. Yes, my behavior was part of the reason our so called “relationship” ended, but I make no apologies for that, because people cannot control things that happen to them during their lifetime that can result in depression and make them helpless to be able to control what is going on in their mind. You on the other hand were the person without depression and with the clearer mind. I wasn’t expecting great things or a long time commitment from you, I just needed you at that time to stick around and help me with what I was going through.
When you said that you wanted to keep in touch and I said I wanted to do the same, I really did not, because even though you were someone who was very special to me once, you were also the person who made me doubt and lose myself.
And now, I would never think I would say this to you, but you leaving me has been one of the best things that ever happened to me. I did not realize it before but more than a year has passed now after our break up. A lot has changed since then.
I know I once told you that I loved you more than I loved myself. It was true, but now I finally realize that I was the biggest fool to put someone else before loving myself somewhere along the way. So thank you for breaking my heart into a thousand pieces and making me recollect myself, because I would never appreciate myself unless I had to protect myself from the love I had for you. Letting you go and moving on was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, so I think it’s clear I would never want to do it again, and I am going to prevent that from happening by loving myself more than you, more than everyone and everything else.
I am beyond happy I could finally realize all of this and here is my final thought; some people are simply toxic for you and they keep you in their lives because you are good for them, you just make them feel better about their miserable lives. But they honestly do not care about you even a bit, and they do not love you, because that is not what love is. And that is why you will never again be welcome in my life.
If until this moment you still cant figure out why I wrote to you, this is not me trying to hurt you with my words but this is simply me telling you all the things that I should have told you a long time ago. But back then I was afraid of losing someone that did not really define me. Now I finally realize that other people do not define me, I am the person who defines me, I am the person who does not need anyone else to help her get through life because I am just enough. I am not scared anymore and you know why? Because whatever it was that was missing from my life to make me unconditionally happy, I have it now.