On June 4, 2002, Avril Lavigne, the soon-to-be epitome of all things awesome and angsty, released the album Let Go. It was credited as one of the top pop albums of 2002, which leads me to believe a lot of girls, like myself, heard it and adopted various lyrics to use as life mantras throughout middle school, high school, and yes, ok, college. In the song, “Things I’ll Never Say”, Avril bemoans her lack of risk taking, lamenting:
I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say.
After hearing the song, I, like many of my socially awkward “Avril-sings-my-soul” believing peers, felt that I should learn from Avril, and confess my internal emotional quandaries to the 6th grade boy who made my heart stop when he passed me in the cafeteria. Unfortunately, the sentiments were not returned (I did, after all, have two lazy eyes) and I sat in my bed that night, sobbing and listening to Michelle Branch’s “Are You Happy Now?”
Sadly, as the years wore on, I forgot that vital life lesson. Upon entering college, I decided against wishing my life away on the things I’ll never say – and by that I mean, braced with liquid courage or deluded self confidence, I would, on occasion, send incredibly straightforward texts that really should never have been sent. As it transpired, it became clear that there’s a reason Avril implied that these were things that should never be said. There’s no way of taking back these texts, but perhaps they will provide a cautionary tale to all of you who wear your heart on your digital sleeve.
1. “My bed was more fun with you in it ;)”
I sent this at the beginning of freshman year to a frat guy who’d spent the night with me. We’d only made out, but I’d had fun and I sent this text the next day. Not only did he not respond, but he showed it to all of his fraternity brothers, which obviously implicated that we’d done a lot more than kiss. In retrospect it was the fault of the winky face, because it made it that much more of a promiscuous text. We never hooked up again.
2. “Nice pink shirt! Haha.”
I sent this upon seeing the guy I was hooking up with. He was on the bottom floor of union, I was on the top. I (mistakenly) thought it would be cute to let him know I could see him. Unfortunately, it came off as incredibly creepy.
3. “Your new girlfriend is so pretty! You guys are really cute together”
I sent this after seeing an old one-time hook up at a party. This was just wrong in so many ways. First, because it was unnecessary to comment in the first place. Second, because as it turned out, this was not his new girlfriend and the response was, “What the hell are you talking about?” And third, because it made me look hella creepy – I was at a party, clearly I should have been socializing with friends, playing beer pong, or downing punch, and not pretending I was the new Perez Hilton of Davidson College.
4. I’d asked a guy if he’d like to hang out during the week and he replied that he had a big econ paper and he’d be busy. I then (stupidly!) replied, “How about next week?” to which he replied, “I’m going to be busy for a really long time.”
Worst. Rejection. Ever. (If you have worse stories of text rejection, comment here because I’d love to know that there’s worse out there.) Note: once someone gives you an excuse, like, they’re busy, and doesn’t offer a rain check, TAKE A FREAKING HINT. I wish I had.
5. “Why is it that you’re the only person I can think about before I fall asleep?”
Sent to someone who had demonstrated a clear disinterest in me. This was my drunken attempt to relay my deepest emotions. Unfortunately it came off as articulate, and thus sober – so I couldn’t blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. The response was almost as bad as the text itself: “Dunno.” Oh. God. The. Shame.
So, there you have it folks. 5 texts that will forever sit, laughing at me, in the archives of my phone’s ‘sent’ box (though sometimes, I delete awful texts I’ve sent and pretend I never sent them. If they’re not there, then they never were, right?). Yeah, unfortunately denial of that sort doesn’t really work too well, especially when your text has been passed around a brotherhood and repeated back to you verbatim. Thanks a lot, Avril.