Everyone goes through breakups, except for those very fortunate or unfortunate, depending on your perspective, who marry their first significant other and never feel the emotional pain of going through the process of a breakup.
But this article is not for those few lucky ones.
It’s for those who have been through one or more breakups, who have felt the pain caused by the separation. Whether you are the one ending the relationship, being broken up with, or part of a mutual decision to end the relationship, it is still painful. If you are the one who ended the relationship, it is normal to feel sad, confused, and guilty. However, your ex-partner’s feelings are not your responsibility.
I’ve been on both ends, the one breaking up with my partner and the one being broken up with. And let me tell you, I’ve felt sadness, guilt, and confusion along with other emotions on both sides. Oftentimes, the pain dragged on longer than I would have liked, turning into several months of ‘getting over’ my ex and finally being able to move one and feel good again.
What I realized after many lengthy and painful breakups is that we are solely responsible for our own feelings and the length of time we choose to mourn our loss. Your ex is not to blame, nor responsible for your emotions. We are responsible for own decisions, choices and consequences. Relationships start and end. You and your partner were mutually brought together for a reason, perhaps to learn something from each other or to grow and become better people, even if that means separately. You both accepted to be together without knowing where the relationship would take you.
Now it’s up to you to take responsibility for your own feelings, processing the breakup and moving on. The duration is also up to you. You can choose to continue feeling those emotions for one week, one month, one year, or longer.
Here are some of my personal tips for processing and moving on without dwelling on your relationship and extending the healing process more that needed.
1. Make a conscious decision that it is over and stick with it.
For those who ended the relationship, I’m sure you’ve already thought about it a thousandth times—you’ve analyzed it inside and out and have decided that the best course of action at this point is to end the relationship. It’s normal to doubt, feel sad or confused, and have mixed feelings because you miss them. Some days may go by and you start to remember the good times and conveniently forget about the reason why it ended. Just know it’s normal to feel all of the above. But you need to be strong and stick with your decision.
2. Realize it’s over.
If your partner ended the relationship with you, it will get easier, I promise. Just remember, it is up to you, how long you decide to feel bad. If they broke up with you, let them go. I know it’s not easy, but they decided to let you go, and no matter what you say or do, it will not change that. Trust me, I know. I tried for many months to show my ex how good we are together and convince him that I was the one he wanted to be with.
My once loving relationship quickly turned into a booty call. It was awful. I was incredibly unhappy and my dignity deteriorated with each passing day. He never changed his mind. Time was lost. My self-esteem and self-respect were so low that it took me MUCH longer to pick myself up again off the floor than it would have if just let it go from the day he told me it was over. Trust me, you don’t want to go there. Don’t make the break up worse.
3. Take a few days to process the breakup.
Feel the emotions, process them, cry, be angry, sad, depressed. Whatever you feel is okay—do not repress it, block it, ignore it, or distract yourself from it. Feel what needs to be felt, say what needs to be said, get closure, and take time to write it all out. Get EVERYTHING out. And I mean everything; I want you to swear (in private, not to your partner), punch a pillow, find a secluded place and yell at the top of your lungs. Just get it out, on paper or verbally.
4. Don’t call, text, email. No communication whatsoever.
It’s normal to miss your ex and want to contact them, speak with them or see them. But this will only extend the healing process and cause more emotional pain.
5. It’s YOU time.
Now that you have processed the breakup, it’s time to take care of YOU. Get that power back and start feeling good again. Make a list of everything you want to improve on for yourself. That can be eating healthier, creating an exercise routine, learning a new language, studying something, planning a trip, meeting new people, or becoming part of a social group. Pretty much ANYTHING that gets you excited and feeling happy.
6. Get outside help if needed.
Talk with someone about what it is you are feeling or, even better, locate an energy healing practitioner to help clear out those strong emotions so that you can focus on moving on from the relationship.