I knew I was in a toxic relationship. I knew I had to let go because I was hurting so much. It didn’t feel right anymore and the fear of never being enough was crushing my self-worth. Every day, you chose other people over me. Every day, you showed me that I was your last priority. And every day, I continued to love you because just the thought of losing you felt too painful.
To be honest, I never expected my first love to be perfect, but I never thought that it was going to hurt that much either. It was my first time and I was naïve. So I continued bleeding love until I ran dry. I held onto what we had because even though I was dying every day because of you, the fear of never being able to meet someone I can love so deeply was more terrifying. I loved you without holding back. I fell hard and I fell fast and then just all of a sudden, I was at the bottom and everything hurt. I didn’t know what happened but along the way, I lost you. To this day, I remember that one night when you sent me a text saying, “Please don’t give up on me.” And I didn’t. I held on. And as I recall our tragic love story, it brings me to tears because one question always comes up: why couldn’t you do the same for me? Despite holding on and enduring, you were the first to walk away. And with you, I lost so much of myself.
The day you texted me that you were giving up on me, was the same day I felt my worst fears coming into life. I was not enough. I was never enough. Nobody wanted me. And nobody loved me enough to stay. I was in pieces. I cried my heart out that afternoon, and the following weeks after that, as I thought about the things I could’ve done or could’ve said to make it all okay. But ultimately, I was at a dead end. I felt so lost and so hurt. You broke me.
Still, I had to move on. I had no choice. You were certainly okay the next day I saw you: no hint of regret, no hint of remorse, no hint of heartbreak. It hit me then: all along and all this time, I fell in love alone. As months passed, I slowly stopped blaming myself and I stopped making excuses for what you did. I came to accept that you were not always the person I thought you were. You played me. You were a douchebag. It’s probably too late for me to notice because my heart has already been broken, but I deserved better and I’m glad you walked away.
I will probably never be as whole as I was before I met you, but I have come to appreciate the beauty of each broken piece of me.