Thought Catalog

9 Ways To Breakup And Not Be Friends

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Twenty20 / amyjhumphries
Twenty20 / amyjhumphries

1. Go on a business trip to, say, London. Come home and set out, while your girlfriend is over, a beautifully expensively wrapped jewelry box. Know that your girlfriend sees it, allow her to admire it on your side-desk/mantel, but turn away from it with no comment. Reach into your bag and take out some bars of English chocolate from the airport. Give these to your girlfriend. Let the jewelry box sit unmentioned for several days, then remove it.

2. Write a list of pros and cons about your girlfriend, indicating that you are trying to decide whether or not to break up with her. Leave this list out, ‘accidentally’ in a place where your girlfriend will find it. Under the column Pros put your g/f’s physical assets such as breasts, legs and ass. For Cons, think for a few moments of the one thing that your g/f wants most, then point out how she will not achieve it.

For example, if she wants children, write: Cons: Will not be a good mother

If desperate to go into health care, write Cons: Not stable/patient enough to be in health care.

If she wants to be a lawyer/novelist/painter, writer, write Cons: Will never do much; will never be a notable lawyer,novelist/painter

3. Fail to protect your partner when called upon to do so. Example: If someone is aggressively pushing the back of your partner’s seat in a movie theater, and your girlfriend wants to move seats, give her a look of derision and say “No.”
Example: If your girlfriend says a man is bothering her, or even following her, and seems frightened, tell her she is imagining things. Say “Who would follow you?”

4. Dating for some months and tired of it? Show up at a spot where your girlfriend will likely be while you are holding hands with somebody else. When your girlfriend complains, tell her, with some desperation, “But she’s my wife.”

5. Think back over your courtship with your girlfriend, Say to your girlfriend, for example, “remember how I first gave you that novel I thought you’d like, as a surprise? Remember when I started showing up at your office with those gifts and little things you liked? Remember how I started calling occasionally just to say hi? You do? Well, see, that is My Method. That is what I do with everyone. I’m sorry.”

6. Divorced with children? New girlfriend been helping out at the house when you had custody, cooking for them, reading to them, playing games with them? Look around the house once the children have gone. Say to you g/f “I’ve noticed that you’ve been leaving things here, your things, here and there like a dog pissing.”

7. Breakup not quite solid? Suggest to your g/f that you either break up completely or make a new start. Suggest a possible meeting in your favorite spot in Central Park or on the Brooklyn Bridge, at sunset or sunrise or on a special day. Be very specific about the time and place. Encourage your girlfriend that you think this romantic and exciting – and that if you both want to get back together, you will meet there together at the spot. If you don’t, well neither of you will show up. Make it somewhat evident that this is a test for her, and that you, gleefully, happily, pretty much obviously from your enthusiasm, are all in. Then don’t show up.

8. Just slightly uncomfortable? Need to get out for no good reason? Try the gentle approach. Say that your girlfriend is so good, so kind so beautiful. Worry that you will hurt her. Let her know in exactly what way this hurting could be.

9. Have power? Have the power to give your girlfriend a huge life, rise, jump up in the world – a job, a book contract, an introduction that would change her life? Consider doing this. Tell your girlfriend how much she deserves it. Then at the last minute, pull out. Should the girlfriend call again say, “I’m surprised to hear from you.” TC mark

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