Okay, so you’ve probably read that book and uttered the reprise, all too often. Yet, even armed with the knowledge, the inkling, the niggling feeling that he is not that invested, you still find yourself nattering with a group of your girlfriends. So you sit there, whittling life’s precious minutes away, talking about someone who really doesn’t care enough about you. Analyzing his actions, his text messages (or lack of). Perhaps he’s busy, he’s overworked and you just need to give him space. Obviously.
“But he told me he likes me, so even if he doesn’t always show it, he must, or he wouldn’t have said it. Right?”
The truth of the matter is, if we are sitting with our girlfriends making these excuses, you know how it goes – he is not that into you. We are smart, independent women. Yet we still keep wasting our time on these losers who cannot see how great we are. How about we re-hash the old reprise and bash it into our brains so we can move forward and get treated the way we deserve to be treated? Because we’re worth it. Here are the signs that he’s just not that into you – so you can finally move on to someone better.
1. He doesn’t respond to your texts in a timely manner. So he works. He might be busy. Aren’t we all? It doesn’t even take two minutes to make a call or send a text to let you know he is thinking of you, or to respond to something directly asked. If he is taking more than a day to respond it is probably because he is not thinking of you and thus does not feel inclined to talk to you.
2. He only texts if you text him first. Do you find yourself sending him direct questions so that you can get something from him, anything? Try not texting him and see what he does. Nothing? Delete. Simple as that.
3. You find yourself over-analyzing each text that you send. You go over each text meticulously, perhaps you even show your friends what you have written and ask if it’s okay to send. Maybe you’re worried about scaring him off with your odd toilet texting humor. If you have to think so hard to come across as something other than yourself then… deep breath. Delete.
4. You overanalyze all the texts that he sends. If you find him the topic of many an over the table red wine discussion with your girlfriends, then something ain’t right. No if’s or but’s.
5. He is still on Tinder. Come on, there is no excuse for this.
6. He won’t introduce you to his friends. If he is all loved up with you but will never introduce you to his friends, he is not feeling it. I was seeing a guy in a small Spanish city where all of the English people pretty much knew each other. I knew his friends. I assumed they knew about us, until it slowly became apparent I was his dirty little secret. This led to thoughts of self-doubt as I questioned myself and why I wasn’t ‘good enough’ to meet his friends. Anyone who makes you question yourself is not good enough to talk to. The end.
7 .He likes and comments on your stuff on social media in between sporadic contact. He’s just letting you know he exists without committing to anything. You are an option. Delete.
8. He doesn’t make plans. Plans can and should be mutual, but if you are the one always asking when you are meeting up next, you know what I’m going to say.
9. He only meets up with you on a night out. He’s into you when you when he’s out partying with you. He even holds your hand, tells you you’re beautiful, amazing, confesses his affections, comes home with you, and then – nothing. Until the next night out. It may feel like you’re an item when you’re out but guess what? He only knows that version of you, the mostly drunk, party, party, fun person. If he won’t take the time to get to know you as an individual, he’s not in it for the same reasons as you.
10. He booty calls you. He calls you when he wants sex. Yeah you may hang out, spoon, and fall asleep in each other’s arms. Netflix and chill is a modern day deceptively polite version of the booty call. If you are happy with that then of course that’s fine, but do not put all your eggs in his basket. He does not deserve them.
This list is by no means exhaustive, and people’s lives are never straightforward. There are definitely exceptions to the rules, but from personal experience and from sitting with friends and having to listen and talk through this shit all the time, it is safe to say these are most definitely warning signs. The best thing you can do is to set your standards as to how you believe you should be treated, set the bar and stick to it, no matter how much ‘chemistry’ there is.
If you do end up fucking someone off prematurely due to lackadaisical behaviour, guess what? If they truly value you, they will come running and be more than willing to do what it takes to make you happy. If they aren’t willing to do that, delete and move on to the next one. You owe it to yourself.