I’ll just come right out and own up to it. I have a mustache. For those unfamiliar, a mustache is an exciting patch of upper-lip hair men cultivate to compensate for receding hairlines and small penises. Depending on how well you know me, you may be able to guess which category I fall into. Point is, it works. Not only has it done wonders for my self-esteem, but as it turns out, there are all kinds of very real benefits to having a mustache on your face.
1. Women, women, and more women… will ignore you. In fact, many will go out of their way to avoid you entirely. This leaves you with time to cry in your apartment and develop an addiction to painkillers.
2. Authority/gravitas. People fear and respect a man with a mustache. This is largely because you will always be mistaken for either an off-duty police officer or Alex Trebek. Use this power for good.
3. Perennial poker face. Most, if not all, human emotion is conveyed through the upper lip. Cover it up with a bit of fur and watch your face become an impenetrable stone wall. No one will ever know how sad and alone you are.
4. You don’t have to tip. Seriously. Don’t underestimate the influence you and your mustache wield over servers at restaurants. Feel free to tip if you want, but remember flirting works just fine. Throw in a coy wink or two and you’re lookin’ at comped mozzarella sticks.
5. Solidarity with other mustachioed men. It is an exclusive club. No women, children, or hairless man-boys allowed. Fact is, when you grow a mustache, other men with mustaches will, without fail, acknowledge you. Be it through a subtle nod, a wink, or a soft kiss. This won’t cure your chronic loneliness, however, as these men are flakes and will rarely call you back.
So there you have it, folks. The benefits of having a mustache. I’ve narrowed it down to five for the sake of brevity, but the perks are literally countless. Try it for yourself. Or if you can’t, try dating a fella with a mustache; he probably needs you more than you know.