Dating is a headache, am I right? If you’re like me, it’s one of the main sources of anxiety in your life and, frankly, most nights you’d rather stay home and eat Ritz crackers than subject yourself to the turmoil entailed by trying to convince another person that having sex with you wouldn’t actually be the worst thing in the world. Ritz won’t stomp on your heart and “forget” to give you back your Nip/Tuck DVDs. Problem is, you can’t french a cracker; or at least you can’t feel good about yourself while you’re doing it.
Whether we like it or not, boys need girls to fill the void where Ritz crackers fall short. Dating is a necessary evil. That said, it doesn’t always have to be torture — if you play your cards right, it can be curtailed to the level of severe discomfort instead.
As someone who’s been with over four women, I feel I have some wisdom I’d be remiss not to impart. Five tried-and-true, field-tested dating tips guaranteed to improve your woman-getting skills:
Tip #1: Bring a snack.
Trail mix, granola clusters, a fresh apple — anything that’s nutritious and fun will do. Throw it in your pouch along with some antibacterial hand sanitizer and you’re ready to get laid. Remember, both your health and morale are at stake. Hydration is also key. For this, you’ll want to go with a CamelBak filled with Gatorade — all the electrolytes you’ll need and she’ll barely notice it’s there. If she brings it up, simply tell her it’s for medical reasons and refuse to give any details. Women can’t resist a mysterious man.
Tip #2: Choreography, choreography, choreography.
This goes without saying, but you’ll need to make sure your spins, your kicks, and your v-steps are pristine and perfectly-timed. If you want to see a woman lose interest, try performing a sloppy jeté into a rigid three-quarter jazz turn when she answers the door. You’ll be shocked by how quickly her expression sours and how mightily she slams the door in your incompetent face. Women have zero tolerance for shoddy dancemanship, and if you think you’re the exception because you combed your sideburns, bought a $15 jar of cologne and had your best cargo shorts dry-cleaned, you’re in for a rude awakening indeed.
Tip #3: Always steer the conversation back to how much you love surfing.
This actually works even if you’ve never been surfing. Remember — it’s okay to lie to people as long as they can’t fact check immediately. Regardless, this puts your wild, adventurous side on display (note: bust out the trail mix if you really want to drive this home). You don’t even need to segue. Interrupt her by making a shushing sound and putting your finger on her mouth. Now you’ve got the perfect opportunity to talk about waxing your board for the next 20 minutes. For good measure, mention your disgust at the fact that “shredding the nar nar” isn’t an Olympic sport. She’ll think this is sexy. Especially if you bring it up again 20 minutes later.
Tip #4: Don’t talk about that weird cyst on your inner thigh.
She’ll find out about it eventually. No sense bringing it up now.
Tip #5: Just be yourself.
You’re a liar and an opportunist. Stay true to yourself by being willing to do and say almost anything to deceive a woman into sorta liking you. Is she a cat person? Tell her how hilarious you think Garfield is. Is she a vegetarian? Give her a tomato. Does she watch Glee? Run away. (I said almost anything). Try making a list of her favorite bands from her Facebook page and read them off when she asks you what music you like. Be sure to look up once in a while so it seems impromptu. She’ll be amazed at how much you have in common.
Be advised, these tips will ease some of your pain if properly executed, but there’s only so much one can do. Chances are, she’ll still break your heart and take a steamy dump on your self-esteem in the process. When this happens, you’ll want to sleep in a lot — you can’t cry if you’re not awake. Also, nothing treats heartache like Percocet. Above all, let Ritz be your rock. It’s comforting to know that one buttery cracker will still be there when the rest of your world is crumbling around you.