My Dark Paradise

TC Flickr
TC Flickr

Some people just don’t realize the effect that they have on others. Maybe it’s how they say things to you, or how they touch you, even perhaps the way they move. You may call it charisma. But actually, there’s no name for it. It’s just the way they are.

I can say that I have a special effect on people. For me, it’s just not hard to have the attention, to have people saying that I make them happy, to have people electing or nominating me for important posts, to make new friends, to feel unique because people inflate my ego. I know I’m this easy-going person who has self-esteem issues and needs to be nice to everyone so they can like me and fall in love with me.

I just wish that being this kind of person, realizing it and knowing that there are other people like this in the world would make me immune to them. Life is never that easy, though.

I have fallen in love with this person, with this amazing guy who happens to be my best friend. I can’t even say that I didn’t see it coming, because I did. Back then, I had a boyfriend and he had a boyfriend (whom he’s still with). Both of us had similar problems in our relationships and we started spending a lot of time together.

We were giving to each other what we couldn’t find in our relationships. Both so desperate for attention, we understood each other and supported one another. By the time I broke up with my ex, I knew I had strong feelings towards my friend and I just let them grew stronger.

I know we are perfect for each other. Some people already think we date because we make this beautiful couple. We have so much in common and spending time with him is always wonderful. He makes me laugh all the time and I understand him in so many levels that maybe he himself never will.

However, we will never be together. Why? Because this is the effect that he has on his best friends. Recently, I’ve found that I’m not his first neither his second best friend to fall in love with him.

It’s just that… When he’s with me he somehow looks differently at me, he touches me all the time, he wants to be with me and to share things with me. He constantly says how much he misses me and how he speaks more to me than to his boyfriend. But he developed this sick dynamic other times. He’s made these boys fall in love with him and then he broke their hearts.

Right now, I’ve given up and I’m lost. He actually is my best friend and I don’t wanna lose this. But I know I’ve fallen in love with him when I was vulnerable after I broke up with my ex. I know I’ve fallen in love with him because this is what he does to his best friends. And I know that to him I will never be more than a best friend.

I don’t want to listen to him talking about his relationship, about how bad it is and how he doesn’t know how to end it. But I wish I could listen to it. I wish I didn’t have all these feelings. I wish I could be his best friend and not feel like I’m already his boyfriend.

I want to keep going with my life. I’ll make people happy. I feel unique. And maybe I’ll make him realize how many hearts he has broken.

This text is for you.

I love you.

But I don’t want to. TC mark

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