Yes, I am angry with you, but I’m even more angry with myself for allowing you back into my life knowing you wouldn’t be there for long. Now I’m left with these disgusting feelings of resentment and indignancy toward myself for being so incredibly naïve. Again. Endlessly questioning everything, searching for an answer as to why you did this… again.
Were you just bored or did you genuinely miss me? Perhaps you did miss me and just wanted to check and see if I missed you too. Were you experiencing an estrogen deficiency? Did that bring some sort of urge to completely bombard and destroy the peace that I’d worked so hard to find? Do you really believe that I deserved that? Or maybe it was because you were so damn confident in the fact that I would let you back in. Guess what, you were right, I hope that gives you extreme gratification. Was it the realization that I was happy, confident, moving on, and you just didn’t like that very much? Or maybe the novelty of “no strings attached” started to wear off a bit and you decided to act on satisfying your desires, with no regard to how destructive your behavior may be to someone else. Is this just a sick, twisted little game to you? Because for me, it is not.
When you first started pulling away I chalked it up to the prospect of you needing space. But, it didn’t make any sense because we’d only seen each other twice, and had a handful of text message conversations over a three-month span. I also know that I’m not the type of person to smother another, so I didn’t entertain that thought for too long. Likewise, I was as understanding and accepting as a person can be. I was fully cognizant of the fact that everyone experiences difficulties, in conjunction with their own inner demons and anxiety to conquer. Family related anxiety, work related stress, or even the imminent nervousness that comes along with taking any new step in life.
You are an expert in playing on the emotions of others, and I knew that. Yet, compassion took the driver’s seat in the blink of an eye and I watched it happen. Your words were baffling, because they were words that I’d never heard from you before. Now I can’t help but laugh as I think about it and wonder, were they true? My sincere perception was that you’d somehow grown and transformed into this mature man who was ready to be serious, somewhat at least. I mean, not Formula D serious, but maybe Initial D serious. I was wrong.
So now, here I am, once again full of questions. With the central question being why? Though I will likely never get an answer to that question, I have reached several conclusions on my own. The notion that one day you will regret letting me slip through your fingers, and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself. You lost the girl who knew your flaws but looked past them. The girl who accepted you, and just wanted to be there for you, no matter how hard you pushed her away. There are billions of men in the world, but I chose you, and not because it was easy. The girl who refused to give up on you, wishing that she didn’t give a shit, but she does. For now, anyway. Soon enough, I will be able to think of you and sadness will no longer follow the smile across my face, as I am no longer running in circles around you. Your memory will slowly start to fade into just a piece of my past. Knowing that I didn’t lose you, because there was nothing there for me to lose. You lost me. One day I hope you realize that I am valuable, even though you don’t see it. You made an enormous mistake, and one day you’ll miss me. But by then, I won’t be missing you.