It’s a scrutinizing thing you know, losing a loved one. You’ll catch yourself now and then picking up the phone to call her and quickly realize you can’t. When you’ve got a headache, heartache, or have just had a bad day and you need your grandmother.
The hardest part wasn’t losing her, it’s learning to live without her and constantly trying to fill this inevitable void.
You have this empty space in your soul and like the ocean, at times it can be calm, clear, and peaceful. Other times it’s this murky, raging swell that is bound to break and take you down with it. It doesn’t though, and the reason is because somehow, you’ve learned to keep swimming.
She said she wasn’t leaving, it wasn’t time and you’d spend time together again very soon. You don’t though, and you never saw it coming. You had no idea that last time would really be the last time. Remembering is so easy, you do it every day. Missing her, however, is one hell of a heartache. You thought you’d never make it through the first Christmas without her and even though it seemed much colder, you survived.
You know you’ll never get over it or move on, instead you’ll continue trying to learn how live with it. Just a little emptier than before. Just as you think you’ve reached the point where you aren’t upset every day, you’ll get a little reminder of her. Maybe in the butterflies or flowers, maybe a song you hear on the radio. Maybe the necklace she gave you before she passed away. Something will trigger a memory of her and send a tiny little sting straight to your heart.
You’re able to live because you’ve discovered how lucky you are to have even known someone like her. Someone that you loved so deeply it left you with an agonizing heartache when you were forced to say goodbye.
You never want to forget the way her voice sounds and just thinking of her fills your heart with pride. You’ll always see her in the flowers, humming birds, butterflies, or maybe the mystery Tupperware. You know, the butter or cool whip containers that are actually full of vegetable soup. It’ll send a smile to your face and a heavy pain to your heart. Grief is never easy, you just have to find a way to deal with it.
Of course, you’ll never be the same but you don’t want to be. I suppose that’s the price we pay for love.