Like a thief into the night, memories you wish you’d forget would slip into your mind, when your guard is at its lowest.
And then it hits you all at once – like slamming into a brick wall, walking barefoot on broken shards of glass, freezing on a stormy December night.
There are days when even getting yourself out of bed seems like a daunting task. Why bother when you know in the middle of the afternoon you’re going to have to get a hold of yourself – close your eyes, count to ten, and breathe deeply – anything just keep your emotions in check because the flashbacks come at the most unfortunate moments, when you’re surrounded by people who have no idea what you’re going through, and that you’d rather keep it that way.
And then there are days when you feel absolutely nothing. Nothing and no one seems to be of interest. Existing, but not living. Functional but without purpose, save for the sake of having something to do. Maybe it’s because you cried too hard last night that you used up all your emotional coupons for the week. Or that your self-esteem ran too low, like a well that’s close to drying up. Or you’re just exhausted, from feeling every emotion from the chain of memories that one small link sets off.
No, you don’t want to be a walking contradiction of a lifeless living.
As tempting as the path to numbness sounds, the ice cold personality that comes with it, and the promise of indifference to pain and heartbreak, I hope you still choose to feel.
Loss, failure, misery. They make you want to shut down your emotions. But what about hope, success, happiness, gratitude, and love? Wouldn’t those outweigh everything else?
And there will be days when you feel like you can take on anything that the world will throw at you. I hope these are the days you have more of. You force yourself to go back to your definition of normal – to do the things you usually do, the food you usually eat, the books you usually read, the friends you usually talk to, the places you usually go to, the work you usually do.
You’re not okay – you’re sad. Broken, even. But that doesn’t mean you should put your life on hold.
Don’t let the negativity cripple you. There’s always a bright side. Always.
Little by little, step by step, you carve your path back to happiness. How empowering it is that you have that choice, and that it is yours and yours alone to make; Taking that choice to move forward is already an accomplishment no one could take away from you.
Never ever discredit yourself. Even if you have those days when you want to succumb to the sadness and let time pass lying in bed, or those days when you want to lock all your emotions and throw away the key, don’t think of it as a step backward. Let it be just roadblocks – you’re still moving forward, just on a rockier path.
As one of the sayings I firmly believe in goes,
“The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you’ve come.” -Anonymous
Eventually, the brick wall seemed will crack, the shards crushed into finer pieces, the storm reduced to a drizzle.
You’re getting there, and you’re coming out stronger in the aspects that matter the most to you and to everyone who cares about you.
It gets better, in time.