Lorenzo Jensen III

“If your mother is that much of a lying scumbag piece of subhuman filth, then yes, it is very much okay to push that toxic bitch out of your life.”

“I had a dream that I killed myself and God showed me a bird’s-eye view of the effect my death had on my mom and dad.”

“Start like a fluttering butterfly. Finish like a bulldog eating a bowl of oatmeal.”

“All I know was that it tasted better than Brussels sprouts.”

“Flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop, walking toward my door.”

“Relax and have fun. Enthusiasm is sexier than whatever else you could possibly do.”

The most persistent Halloween urban legend of all is the idea that somewhere in your hometown lurks a sadist who’s poisoning the Halloween candy he’s giving out to random trick-or-treaters.

“When my male dentist has his hands in my mouth so I can’t really close it.”