24 Prison Guards Describe The Most Insane Thing They Ever Saw An Inmate Do
1. Witnessed a guy cut his own dick off and throw it at a pill nurse.
“Witnessed a guy cut his own dick off and throw it at a pill nurse. Many more stories, this is the one that stood out the most. Worked at a maximum security prison for 4 years.”
2. Saw a prisoner calmly spreading his feces on a slice of bread and eating it.
“Friend of my brother is a guard at a prison in OH, saw a prisoner calmly spreading his feces on a slice of bread and eating it.”
3. A woman tore her eyes out and started laughing hysterically, left ’em lying on her pillow.
“The prison my father worked at had a woman tear her eyes out and start laughing hysterically, left em lying on her pillow.”
4. The inmate tried to rummage through his own shit trying to find the poison so he could attempt suicide AGAIN.
“My uncle was a warden, he was giving me a tour and told me a story about how some inmate was able to get some kind of poisonous pill smuggled to him so he could commit suicide. They threw him in a separate cell for suicide watch and forced him to shit/puke it out. The inmate tried to rummage through his own shit trying to find the poison so he could attempt suicide AGAIN.”
5. Walked up to a cell right after the inmate cut his dick off and was trying to destroy it by chewing it.
“I guess it was one inmate shaving another’s back for me, and probably for my husband probably walking up to a cell right after the inmate cut his dick off and was trying to destroy it by chewing it before he finally flushed it down the toilet.”
6. We had an inmate there that would ‘rent out’ his colostomy hole for other inmates to fuck. He would apparently just read a book while they were going at it.
“I used to work at a prison and we had an inmate there that would ‘rent out’ his colostomy hole for other inmates to fuck. He would apparently just read a book while they were going at it. It was well known that he had aids too…so there’s that.”
7. Caught a guy making a dildo out of a log of shit and a bunch of condoms.
“Caught a guy making a dildo out of a log of shit and a bunch of condoms.”
8. An inmate took a seatbelt and put it thru his intestines (just stitched stomach) also another time he ended up putting lizards in his stomach.
“Not me, but my fiancé is a prison guard.
On a prison transport from the hospital an inmate took a seatbelt and put it thru his intestines (just stitched stomach) also another time he ended up putting lizards in his stomach.
Another; fiancé was doing count and saw an inmate wrist deep in his ass having the time of his life.
There was an inmate that would make action figures out of his poop and fight/play with them. What ever one ‘lost’ in the fight, he’d eat it.”
9. She tried to set herself on fire with a lighter she smuggled in her vag.
“Trying to catch herself on fire with a lighter she smuggled in her vag. She was a morbidly obese schizophrenic black woman who was also a known crack head and prostitute with many known STD’s.”
10. Dude shanked him in the leg so he could rape him in the new ‘hole.’
“Did not see it, but read the report.
Dude was getting raped, the next guy (rapist #2) in line did not want to wait his turn. So he shanked him in the leg so he could rape him in the new ‘hole.’”
11. Saw an inmate flipping his jizz to the camera with a spoon.
“Saw an inmate, which was under constant monitoring, flipping his jizz to the camera with a spoon.”
12. He takes a big bite out of a bar of soap, chews once and spits it out in disgust.
“Detainee facility overseas, new prisoner intake. Handed dude a bar of soap to take a shower, instead he takes a big bite out of it, chews once and spits it out in disgust. Tried not to, but couldn’t help laughing hard at the look of total betrayal on the guy’s face. Homeboy thought we were hooking him up with a snack.”
13. Saw an inmate with his back on the wall, feet in the air, sucking his own dick.
“Was doing count one night and on inmate was upside down. Back on the wall feet in the air, sucking his own dick… now this particular wing of the prison wasn’t cells, it was more like cubicles. So I do the only proper thing, yell out ‘what the fuck are you doing inmate?!’ Some other inmates that were awake bolt up and look over to see this half naked surprisingly flexible weirdo floundering around. Good laughs were had…well by everyone except one inmate of course.”
14. He pooped in a sock and was swinging it around like nunchakus.
“I used to work in a juvenile detention center. I have a lot of stories to share. Most notably:
A kid was sitting on his toilet sobbing uncontrollably, taking a shit, and masturbating all at the same time.
A kid peed under his cell door so I would slip in it as I walked by. (I nearly fell)
Another kid stuffed his sweatshirt down his toilet and flushed it until it overflowed and then covered his door with wet toilet paper so we couldn’t see him. Since we had to be able to see him, so that we knew he wasn’t hurting himself, we had to open his cell. He began to fight us so we had to wrestle him to the ground and he was face down in about an inch of toilet water.
Another one pooped in a sock and was swinging it around like nunchakus.”
15. I have walked in on an inmate absolutely shredding his foot with a makeshift razor in his cell.
“I have walked in on an inmate absolutely shredding his foot with a makeshift razor in his cell.
And when i mean shredded, I mean if we cleaned the blood off of this thing, it would look akin to pulled pork on the end of his leg.”
16. A guy sawed his own hand off with a serrated shiv and was hard at work on his feet when they found him.
“My mom is a retired prison guard. Asked this question to her and this was about what she said:
A guy committed suicide by dismantling the light fixture in his cell and electrocuting himself. Another guy somehow sawed his own hand off with a serrated shiv and was hard at work on his feet when they found him.
But the one that took the cake in her book was when not one but several inmates somehow obtained a stray dog and were taking turns having sex with it. I.e. literal bestiality.”
17. Caught a guy one leg up on his bed, jerking off, looking at his own asshole with a handheld mirror.
“Caught a guy one leg up on his bed, jerking off, looking at his own asshole with a handheld mirror.”
18. Guy with one leg fought another guy in his cell. Guy with one leg started it.
“Guy with one leg fighting another guy in his cell. Guy with one leg started it. We had a little person that was gang affiliated start a fight with his cellmate. There were several calls I was glad to miss. One of the codes we have indicates offender on offender assault to which additional responders come to help contain and break up the fight. The same code is also used for offender ‘relations’ (remember that no kind of sex in prison is considered consensual). So if the reporting officer is not careful, you get a bunch of responders that might just show up to the ‘relations’ instead of an actual fight.”
19. I saw ‘cock rocks’ being put in.
“Inmate not a guard but this was a strange one…
I was in the unit one day when my cellmate who didn’t have a job (I had one and was out of the unit 8-9 hours a day) told me about what was going on. A few guys were getting ‘cock rocks’ put in… I didn’t know what these were and he explained it is where you take your flaccid penis and pull the excess skin from the top of it up in the air. Then someone cuts the skin open. Underneath the skin people put dominoes that were shaved down into shapes (usually hearts). Some guys had a whole ring around the penis bulging out. The thought behind this is that when having intercourse with a female the clitoris will be stimulated at the same time as penetration. It sounded too gross and homophobic for me to take part in so I passed. This required having 2-3 people in the cell to help the process along, which is so strange in itself. The Spanish dudes got pissed when the dominoes went missing and we narrowly avoided a riot until the guards brought in a new set.”
20. Watched the aftermath of a mentally ill inmate who had cut his foreskin open and inserted a domino.
“Watched the aftermath of a mentally ill inmate who had cut his foreskin open and inserted a domino.”
21. He had an argument with himself about fucking himself in the asshole.
“One dude who was completely off his rocker, never seemed to sleep and was constantly screaming and doing weird stuff, a few highlights:
Flapping his fingers from side to side, doing the Zoidberg scuttle around his cell and yelling ‘whoop whoop whoop whoop.’
Holding his arms straight sideways, leaning backwards at an almost 90 degree angle, and screaming ‘fire every missile; fire every missile; blow up the sky; blow up the sky!’
Having an argument with himself that went something like:
‘I’m going to fuck you in your asshole.’
‘Yeah, I’m going to fuck you in your asshole!’
‘You’re gonna fuck me in my asshole!?!?’”
22. Saw a group inserting a domino into a willing inmate’s penis.
“Jail, not prison but we saw a group huddled together in the pod. Usually suspicious. When we investigated, we found they had broken a piece off of a domino. They had then filed a toothbrush to a sharp point and used it to make a cut on the side of a willing inmate’s penis. Then inserted said domino piece into penis for a ‘ribbed for her pleasure’ kinda deal….
He went to the hospital. Others were questioned. Turns out this was a relatively common body modification… I’ll never understand people…”
23. While my bro and another guard were trying to get restraints on him, he started to lick up his own semen.
“Not a CO, but my brother is. He found a guy trying to erotically asphyxiate himself by making a noose out of his bed sheets an hanging himself from the celling light. He had to try and restrain him while he was jacking it.
Thats not the worst part.
While my bro and another guard were trying to get restraints on him, he started to lick up his own semen…
Now I’m uncertain about a lot of things in life, but I do know for a fact that this prisoner must have been the life of many parties when he was a free man.”
24. Medical incident report of having two large jars of JIF peanut butter having to be removed from a rectum.
“Not one personally, but knew one. Related a few stories to me: 1.) Watching a feed from rec room, and one inmate ran off camera, only to suddenly reappear, running full speed, head down, right into a wall to knock himself out. 2.) During an riot, Response team on way to incident would have to go past a particular inmate who would intentionally get in the way to start fights, and laughed when he got his ass subdued. This happened a few times, until one day, they just all went around and ignored him, which caused said inmate to just crumple to the ground and start crying. 3.) Medical incident report of having two large jars of JIF peanut butter having to be removed from a rectum. 4.) Medical incident of an inmate caught trying to de-vein one of his own arms.”