1. Imagine your nose is runny, but it’s not your snot coming out.
“Imagine someone sticks their finger up your nose and wiggles it and thrusts it around up in there a few times and then afterwards your nose is runny, but it’s not your snot coming out.
If necessary, add a rubber glove to the experience, and the other hand is randomly fucking with your nipples like they’re tuning the radio for some reason.”
2. He was so nervous he kept missing and kind of flopped around like a dying fish.
“Awkward. My boyfriend was also a virgin and we were losing it together. He was so nervous he kept missing and kind of flopped around like a dying fish… Didn’t help that we were on his water bed…”
3. He finished in like 40 seconds.
“Totally had an is it in yet? Moment. Twas awkward. He finished in like 40 seconds. I didn’t even come close to getting off. Plus we were outside and it was cold. Second time was way better. Having a partner who chooses to get you off first is awesome!”
4. Imagine someone shoving a curved can of Monster energy drink into a small knife wound. That would’ve felt nicer.
“I was 18 and it was with a guy (25) that I worked with. We hit it off as friends and I asked him if he wanted to hang out. I had never had a boyfriend before (got rejected in high school a lot, I was awkward), and I was a little surprised that he said yes.
We texted, called each other, and hung out at work before we set a date, flirting heavily. The day before hanging out he called me and we talked for hours, which led to nasty phone sex. I was so keyed up that I was flushed the whole next day, because I knew that I was finally going to fool around with a guy.
I had work, he didn’t. I picked him up and after discussing whether to have our date first or fool around first, we drove out to a state park with a blanket and a big bottle of water. We hiked into the woods and found a clearing. We made out, and started fooling around.
Disclaimer here: He’s short and I thought he’d have at most an average size dick. Good for a first timer. No. I was so, so wrong. He had a monster. Imagine a can of soda, except longer and curved. This was my first time seeing and touching a penis, and I was not prepared. He gave me no warning, just said I’d be pleasantly surprised. I soldiered on.
He ate me out and I attempted to do something with his thing. Ha. Then I tried to ride him. No. Doggy? Nope. We had to do missionary just to get it in and I swear that was the worst pain I’ve ever been in. Imagine someone shoving a curved can of Monster energy drink into a small knife wound. That would’ve felt nicer. I had to stop him from moving, because it felt like being torn in half. I also made the biggest mistake you can make. We. Had. No. Lube.
I bled everywhere, which made it easier, grossly enough. He couldn’t come because he was nervous. Ha. We cleaned up with his socks and had our first date at Five Guys afterwards.
We live in the south, and not only was it humid as the devil’s balls, it turned out that we were rolling around in razor palm, which I don’t recommend. I also tore my taint open, similar to childbirth. This did not scar me for life. We continued to have sex in a bed, with lube thank god, and discovered that I’m a squirter. Yay?
We’ve had our ups and downs, but we’ve been together almost four years now. We have amazing sex regularly, even though he still occasionally tears me. Oh well.”
5. The sex…was so bad…
“I remember I planned it out and was so excited. I literally dated a guy in my high school that I knew had a beach house so I could lose it the way that I always saw in movies. We went to his beach house and started a fire and cooked dinner. He literally carried me up to the bed like in the movies. The sex…. was so bad… I cringe every time I think about it.”
6. Ugh. The worst. Bent over a couch and my shorts didn’t even come all the way off..
“Ugh. The worst. Bent over a couch and my shorts didn’t even come all the way off. Also he answered a phone call during. And then asked me to make a phone call, also during (which I refused). Then afterwards (knowing that I had been molested when I was a kid) he said it was weird that I didn’t bleed and suggested that maybe I had been raped by my uncle and had just forgotten about it.
That guy was the worst.”
7. I remember laying there looking up at the ceiling during it and just thinking ‘this is it?’
“Went over to my boyfriend’s house after school on a day we knew his parents and sister wouldn’t be home. I remember laying there looking up at the ceiling during it and just thinking ‘this is it?’ A tiny bit of pain but otherwise it didn’t really feel like anything special. I expected to feel so different afterwards but I didn’t at all.”
8. BLOOD. EVERYWHERE.
“Born with a hymen more unbreakable than Kimmy Schmidt. I tried many times to have sex and just couldn’t get past the gate and each try was extremely painful and left me feeling undesirable. Finally after many failed attempts he was forceful enough to tear me open. BLOOD. EVERYWHERE. Then sex kinda felt like moist flesh rubbing aggressively over an open wound….”
9. Tears inescapable ensued.
“It was SO painful. and blood. I loved my boyfriend, but tears inescapable ensued. The first time was dreadful. :) but the ensuing times after I had healed up were great.”
10. It took him about 10 minutes to even get in me because I was so damn dry.
“Painful. Painful to a point where I sweated more than I’ve ever sweated in my life. It was horrible and I thought ‘This is what sex is?! This is what people are obsessed about?’ He only lasted about 10 seconds when he was in, but it took him about 10 minutes to even get in me because I was so damn dry.”
11. Neither of us got even close to finishing.
“I lost my virginity this past August. It wasn’t what I expected. I couldn’t relax so the pain, during, was ridiculous. Plus, neither of us got even close to finishing.”
12. More painful than oral surgery.
“A few years back, I had an oral surgery where part of my tongue (the part connecting it to the bottom of my mouth) was burnt away with a laser. There was supposed to be anesthesia, but it didn’t work, or it wasn’t effective, or whatever, and I felt the whole thing.
Compared to losing my virginity, that surgery was downright painless.”
‘Is this it?’ Mind you, it was over in two minutes, it was an in and out operation, it was awkward and there was noooo foreplay. It got way better later.”
14. He came on like the fourth thrust.
“Drunk af. On my parents’ bed. Had my 16th birthday party over a weekend, parents away for two nights with my little brother, and I had their permission to invite people over. The whole woo-hoo was so damn cringey and since he came on like the fourth thrust (later learned he had a huge problem with this), it didn’t last long. Blamed my friend for starting her period for the reason of why I changed the sheets. Got my karma served like a bitch for having a two-day hangover for drinking too much of the 60% mint vodka my boyfriend obtained via his alcoholic big sister. Oh well, we’re Finnish so I guess that’s ok /s
I’m 41 years old now, and still feel uncomfortable thinking about the amount of cringe.”
15. It was just a whole bunch of awkward.
“It was just a whole bunch of awkward. I had no clue what I was doing. Guy claimed to know what he was doing, but I’m not sure if I agree with that.
My legs weren’t long enough to straddle him. At one point he fell off the bed. He realized he was about to orgasm but wanted to last longer so he ran into the bathroom?? It was laughably bad.”
16. It hurt so bad I was waddling the entire day.
“Very painful. I remember feeling like closing my eyes and getting it over, it hurt so bad I was waddling the entire day.”
17. It was just humiliating and painful.
“Terrible, honestly. I was dating him, and he wasn’t my first boyfriend, but we hadn’t been together long and it was our first time seeing each other in awhile (different colleges). We were both pretty serious people, and we didn’t know each other well enough to laugh at the situation. So when he kept coming out while thrusting, or when it hurt at first, we super weren’t able to laugh it off, it was just humiliating and painful. Which is weird, because I am the least susceptible person to awkward silences ever. It was so bad.”
18. I was 21, drunk, and the first words out of my mouth were ‘Is that it?’
“I had decided, at some point, I wanted to lose my virginity in a Motel 6. When it finally happened, I was 21, drunk, and the first words out of my mouth were ‘Is that it?’ Not surprisingly, he dumped me a week later.
Yes, it only lasted a minute (he said it was because we had been making out for so many days and he had all this shit pent up…) but I actually was surprised at how little it hurt, the lack of blood, and just how…normal I felt afterwards. I thought I would be more excited and triumphant but I just felt meh. Not exactly the life-changing big deal that had been shoved down my throat all my life.”
19. He got performance anxiety and was too soft to penetrate me.
“He came over to my house, got performance anxiety and was too soft to penetrate me. I had to literally climb on top and cram his dick in….then it was over about 1 minute later.”
20. I was 17 and it absolutely sucked for me.
“I was 17 and it absolutely sucked for me. We tried for hours and it hurt so bad that I just cried. When I finally ‘popped’ though, the pain was completely gone, and it was all uphill from there.”