1. As a pallbearer in my grandfather’s funeral.
“As a pallbearer in my grandfather’s funeral.”
2. As a teenager I would get one almost EVERY time my family pulled into church.
“I have NO idea why this happened, and I imagine I’m gonna get some weird comments, but as a teenager I would get one almost EVERY time my family pulled into church. I would always take a while to get out of the car and say something like ‘oh my Bible is in the trunk’ or something so I could do the old waistband trick before walking in.”
3. Friend’s mom lubed up my balls during an ultrasound…oops.
“I had to get an ultrasound on my balls. Turns out my friend’s parents owned the office this procedure was to take place. In walks friend’s mom and lubes up my balls with warm oil. She rubs the scanning thing on my balls. Boom. Instant boner. In my defense, she is really good-looking.”
4. During a job interview with a female interrogator.
“I was having a job interview when my cock decides to take matters into its own hands. She immediately noticed it and smirked at me. Got the job anyways.”
5. Getting a scalp massage in a hair salon.
“Getting a scalp massage in a hair salon. Might have been too relaxed.”
6. Got caught passing dirty notes with a skater chick and was told to read the note out loud standing in front of class.
“Passing notes in 7th grade talking dirty with this skater chick. The teacher catches me receiving the note and asks me to stand at the front of class and read it out loud. With all eyes on me and no time to do the ol’ ‘boner tuck into the elastic band of my boxers’ trick, I stood up with my sticker pecking out. The only good that came from that was I didn’t have to read the note out loud anymore, I still cringe about it sometimes.”
7. It’s hard to hide your reaction under a Speedo.
“In college, on the swimming team. We had a four-lane competition pool with bleachers for the ‘fans’ on the other side from the teams. We had a groupie who wore short skirts and no underwear who would sit on the front row with her legs open. It’s hard to hide your reaction under a Speedo. We quickly learned not to look anywhere near her when we had a race coming up.”
8. I posed for a private all-female Catholic college as a figure model for their art class and got a boner.
“I posed for a private Catholic college as a figure model for their art class and got a boner. It was an all-female class, all wearing short private school skirts.
I held my breath, thought of torture, and didn’t move my eyes from a single spot on the wall. But none of that worked, and when the pose was over I looked down and noticed that I was also dripping.”
9. A friend in high school slipped me two pills of his father’s Viagra, telling me it was No-Doz instead.
“In high school, I was really tired one day, talking to one of my buddies, not like a real close friend but more of a peripheral bro, and I was talking about how tired I was because it was early in the morning. He said he had some No-Doz, (caffeine pills) and asked if I wanted some, I said sure, so I took two No-Doz that he gave me. Then he started busting up laughing, and I didn’t get the joke. ‘What’s so funny?’ I ask, and he showed me the bottle, it was actually his father’s prescription Viagra.
So everyone in the group was laughing their asses off because I just took 2 Viagra. Then word started spreading around school how I had taken the Viagra, and everyone seemed to be giving me funny smirks and weird looks. I don’t really know how Viagra is specifically supposed to work, so this might be a placebo thing, but an hour or so later I had an uncontrollable rock-hard erection and had to go to the bathroom to jerk off. I came out of there and there was a bunch of people waiting for me and they all started laughing.”
10. We’re standing on the platform waiting for the train to come in and my Mom asked my Dad, ‘What’s in his pants?’
“I was a kid. I think 8 or 9 at the time, maybe 10. Hadn’t started puberty but it was the start of those random boners. I remember they just happened sometimes and thought nothing of it. Did my best to ignore it and just move on with whatever I was doing.
Then one day we’re standing on the platform waiting for the train to come in and my Mom asked my Dad, ‘What’s in his pants?’
‘It’s just a boner, relax honey.’ And I looked down and sure enough, I had one. From that moment on I was self-conscious about them because my Mom made a big deal about it.”
11. On my 10th birthday I started crying and told my grandma, ‘my penis turned to metal.’
“Got my first boner (while awake at least) at my 10th birthday. Don’t know what the reason was, but sometimes dicks don’t need a reason. Got upset when I couldn’t push it back in and started crying. When my grandma asked why I was crying I proclaimed to her (and everyone there) ‘my penis turned to metal.’ Luckily, it’s only talked about at every single family gathering we have had after that, so the shame is limited.”
12. I used to come down to breakfast every day with morning wood.
“So I must have been young and not fully aware of how my body worked yet I suppose, but I have a very distinct memory of my dad telling me one morning that I should take some time and relax before I come downstairs. Apparently I had a habit of coming straight from bed to breakfast—morning wood and all. Looking back I have no idea how I wasn’t conscious of this…”
13. I’d race Hot Wheels up and down my dick in the bathtub.
“I used to get a boner in the bath back before I knew what it was, and I raced Hot Wheels up and down my dick. Those were awkward times.”
14. Teacher told me to stand closer to the blackboard; instead, I walked out.
“Got a raging boner in class. Teacher asked me to read the blackboard. I couldn’t, because I had bad eyesight. She told me to move closer. I said no. She said again, move closer. I said no.
She told me to get out.
I walked out.”
15. Freshman year of high school. Wrestling practice.
“Freshman year of high school. Wrestling practice. I grabbed a sweatshirt from one of the bigger weight class guys, put it on (it was like a tent on me) and I just got up and left. You don’t want to be getting a no-reason erection in an all-guy Catholic high school’s wrestling class.”
16. Literally any time I was in middle school and class would end.
“Literally any time I was in middle school and class would end. I have no idea why, but the random boners always happened about 20 seconds before the bell. Lots of walking with my backpack in front of my waist.”
17. Oral presentation in 10th-grade history class.
“Oral presentation in 10th-grade history class. Thank goodness for that damn podium.”
18. My roommate walked in and saw me sitting there apparently jerking off to a menu of circular saws.
“I sat down at my computer one day to have a good wank. Had my pants down around my ankles, had a clean-up towel on hand. But a couple of minutes in, my dad called and asked me to look something up for him on Google. So I told him I’d call him back in two minutes. I minimized the porn and opened a new browser window. That’s when my roommate walked in and saw me sitting there apparently jerking off to a menu of circular saws. It was tough to explain.”
19. Woke up in gym class with a raging boner, tucked it under my waistband and fell back asleep.
“Fell asleep in gym class waiting for the teacher to show up and take attendance. Woke up a few minutes later to some laughing and discovered my dick was tenting proudly in my gym shorts. Tucked it under my waistband and went back to sleep. Nothing ever came of it until senior year when someone asked, ‘aren’t you the guy who got a boner in gym and played it off like it was nothing? That was impressive.’ Just goes to show, kids: If an embarrassing situation comes up, just own it and move on.”
20. My boner pokes her stomach and she definitely notices.
“Swimming with this girl I had known for years but just started dating a few days before. We were having fun playing games in the water and she wanted me to throw her up into the air and she’d laugh as she came splashing back down.
That was all well and good, except that her swimsuit was made from this super-silky material I’d never felt before that made me perk right up as soon as I felt it. I can’t explain it—it just made her curves feel so much more sensual, and I felt it each time I grabbed her to throw her in the air.
So there I am, so solid it hurts, as I grab her and pull her close to me in preparation for lifting her…except my boner pokes her stomach and she definitely notices. Her eyes got all big and she gasped, and I threw her as quickly as I could (more sideways than up).
When she comes back up she said we should go get our towels and ‘cool off’ and I thought that would be an awesome idea since we were both pretty taken aback and I was super embarrassed. Except that leaving the water was a terrible idea.
See, I didn’t realize that my swimsuit would suction itself to my manhood as soon as we got out of the water. Which it did. As I move my hands to cover it up, I look at her and she’s watching from the corner of her eye. I don’t think I’ve blushed so hard in my life.”
21. I fell down face-first and started army-crawling across the gym.
“Ninth grade, first-period gym class. I dozed off in the corner of the gym before class started. When I woke up, the gym teacher was yelling at me to line up for roll call. Everyone else was already lined up. On the other side of the gym. All quietly watching me. As I began to stand up, I felt the telltale tightness of morning wood against my gym shorts. I panicked, and before I could finish getting up, I fell down face-first and started army-crawling across the gym. My gym teacher asked me what the heck I was doing. I yelled, ‘my foot is asleep!’ He just sighed while the entire class watched me drag myself across the gymnasium for what was probably about a minute (but felt like a week).”
22. Next thing I know, I’m standing alone on the dance floor with my dick out.
“While a senior in HS I got a boner at the homecoming dance while grinding on the dance floor. My date proceeded to rub her hand on my crotch. For some reason I took that as a cue to unzip my pants. She stuck her hand in and started stroking my dick. The entire time her friends are standing a few feet in front of her and one of them is having boy drama. Suddenly the girls leave to go to the bathroom and at the last minute they grab my date’s hand and drag her with them. As she is getting pulled away the hand that was in my pants comes out along with my penis.
Next thing I know, I’m standing alone on the dance floor with my dick out.
Luckily it was extremely dark and it happened so fast that I don’t think anyone noticed.”
23. The nurse was kinda hot and had to shave my leg ’cause I needed an operation.
“My most awkward one was when I broke my leg right beneath my dick. The nurse was kinda hot and had to shave my leg ’cause I needed an operation. She accidentally touched my wiener with her breast and I couldn’t keep that damn thing down.”
24. My dick was waving hi now at this point, like an inflatable arm-waving Tube Man as I tried to exert will power over my boner.
“Went to doctor when I was a teen. One of my testicles is much bigger than the other. Just wanted to make sure everything was OK.
New woman in clinic. Kind of young. I tell her about my nut and she says, ‘All right, let me get a look here.’
Now I didn’t have a problem with dropping trou, but after I pulled my boxers down, sitting on the medical table, she bent her face down as she held my balls. And the tip of my dick hit her nose.
She looked up at me and blushed. My dick was waving hi now at this point, like an inflatable arm-waving Tube Man as I tried to exert will power over my boner. I have no idea why she did what she did, but her face was that of ‘I just really fucked up.’
I pulled my pants back up and she told me I should get an ultrasound. That was fine, too.”
25. I was still at full mast whilst walking through the airport.
“My wife and I were on a flight to Amsterdam.
I’d had a quick nap and had just woken up as we were coming into land. I had a raging hard-on for some reason. I turn to my wife to tell her, she finds the whole thing hysterical and keeps prodding at it when nobody can see.
The thing won’t go away. It’s getting around to the time when the cabin crew are making sure everybody has their seatbelts on. My Mrs. is still in stitches next to me, as I awkwardly flip up my boner into my waistband before the crew get to us.
I was still at full mast whilst walking through the airport.”
26. There I am horrified that a little girl is sitting on my lap and I have a fucking boner.
“Nineteen years old, staying with my friend’s family that has a bunch of kids. So me and my friend are in school together, but he has a hot sister that’s maybe two years younger than me, that I also had a crush on. He also has a couple of little sisters in elementary school that I legitimately feel the same toward as my little sister. As in, I’ve spent a bunch of time with them, they draw me pictures…just act like typical little sisters. And I would have given my life to protect theirs.
Well, we all needed to pack into the station wagon for a road trip, and the little girls needed to sit on the laps of the people sitting in the back seats next to the doors (people took safety a bit looser back then). I was one of those people.
So I don’t know if it was the vibrations from the road, or sitting pressed up to the hot sister next to me, or just my dick being a dick, but I get a boner. So there I am horrified that a little girl is sitting on my lap and I have a fucking boner.”
27. My mom drove me and every morning on the way to school, there it was standing to attention.
“I would get anxiety boners as a young teen. My mom drove me and every morning on the way to school, there it was standing to attention. The more I thought about it, the harder it would get. I just prayed no one noticed the trouser snake going down one leg of my pants as I walked to class but I’m sure they did.”
28. I once got trapped in a hotel hot tub with a raging hard-on because my girlfriend teased me on purpose and then left.
“I once got trapped in a hotel hot tub with a raging hard-on because my girlfriend teased me on purpose and then left. It took about 20 minutes for it to go away, so that I could walk back across the crowded Disney Resort pool deck.”
29. Everyone was laughing at me.
“I was taking a swimming test that would have put me one level below lifeguard. It was really challenging, and the instructor wanted absolute realism when you did anything. This included putting your hands on your partner—usually you just hover-hand.
I was 13 and paired with a girl my age. She…developed early and voluminously, so much so she had an adult bathing suit with support wires. I had to do mock-CPR on her, which means putting your hands over their heart and lightly pumping. On her back, her boobs flowed into that area. I was keeping it together before I had to demonstrate this, focusing on passing the test, the rhythm, the steps, the possible questions I would be asked during the procedure. I knew my shit, I just had to focus and not think about those boobs.
Then I was up, in front of 25 other kids my age. She laid down on her back and I straddled her. Now I’m uncomfortable with this idea, because I don’t want her to feel like I’m taking advantage of this, but also…you know, huge boobs.
Just as I’m putting my hands down towards her chest I looked to her face to make sure she was OK with this. Her eyes were wide, shoulders up, breathing heavy, and her lips were bright red and slightly parted. I then realized that this might be sexually exciting for her too, having a shirtless boy straddle her and put his hands near/on her boobs.
We locked eyes and I started breathing heavy, then she got more excited, and boom—boner. It was mortifying, everyone saw. Yes, she did as well.
The instructor, who was a hard-ass said, ‘For fuck’s sake…back off the line.’ When it was my turn again, I had him as my partner. Everyone was laughing at me. I was so embarrassed and flustered I failed that test and the rest of the final test that day, and hence the program. He took me to his office kind of yelling at me, saying how in the real world I can’t think about stuff like that if I have to save a life. That I need to get it together (fuck you, dude, I was 13).
I didn’t take any more swim lessons.”
30. I had a ‘boredom boner,’ and that’s when my teacher called me to her desk at the front of the room.
“It was middle school, and I sat toward the back of the class. I had a ‘boredom boner,’ and that’s when my teacher called me to her desk at the front of the room. I had to act fast, so I covered it with my schoolbook.
Halfway to her desk, the teacher says, ‘Uh, you don’t need your textbook. Go put it back on your desk.’
I froze in a panic and stopped in my tracks. I ended up right next to a girl sitting at her desk, whose face was basically crotch-level. With the attention brought to my book, she looked over and saw what was going on.
I’ll never forget her whispering to herself, ‘Ohhh my god.’”
31. My newly erected dick dug into her and she pulled back with a shriek.
“My dad remarried when I was 17. I ended up with a 16-year-old stepsister. To start with, we absolutely hated each other (mainly my fault, but I won’t go into detail). That summer, our ‘family’ went on holiday together. We stayed in a caravan, but our parents went out together a lot leaving us alone on the campsite. Me and my stepsister slowly began to become sort-of friends.
One evening, while our parents were out at a restaurant, me and my step-sister went to the pool together. The pool was better in the evening because there weren’t many other people there. Anyway, while in the pool, me and my stepsister talked, and we ended up having a really deep conversation; we finally connected and stopped hating each other. I never thought that my stepsister was unattractive, but seeing her in a bikini was very distracting. She was pouring out her heart to me and crying, meanwhile I was slowly getting a raging boner. At the end of our conversation, in tears, she went in for a hug. Panicking, I stepped back and shoved her away before she pressed against my boner. She fell backwards into the pool, and came back up confused, offended, and annoyed (mostly because I’d got her hair wet). She was pretty pissed off, and I spent the next few minutes apologizing. Finally, she said ‘it’s fine’ and went in for another hug, which I turned into a friendly slap on the back. More confused and annoyed, she went for a swim, completely ignoring me for the next few minutes. I stood in the corner of the pool, waiting for my boner to go down. I rudely said ‘no’ when she asked me to get out the pool and get her goggles. I didn’t want her to see my boner, which would be obvious if I got out the pool. Eventually, my boner did go down. I hurriedly got out the pool, thinking I’d got away with it. My stepsister saw me leaving and got out to follow me.
She said something along the lines of ‘Hey, what’s up? Why are you acting weird? I thought we were finally friends.’ She’d just been swimming lengths and was out of breath—her chest was therefore heaving with each breath, one of the most erotic things possible. I reassured her that we were friends, and we hugged. My newly erected dick dug into her and she pulled back with a shriek. I was out of the water, and she stared down at the erect bugle in my swimming trunks. I blushed furiously and practically died with embarrassment. She realized what had being going on and began laughing hysterically at me. She teased me constantly about it from then on, and I’m fairly sure she told her friends about it too. On the bright side, she wasn’t annoyed or creeped out about it, she just thought it was funny. After that, we did become proper friends, even when our parents divorced after just 2 years together.
Six years on, I still haven’t escaped from her teasing.”
32. She lit up with intrigue and asked me, ‘What have you got in your pocket??
“I was around 19 and was working at a Telstra Shop (cell provider is Australia) at the time. Usually staff members would stand around the shop ready to greet customers, as I was doing on this day. As a result of seemingly nothing other than being a teenaged male with good circulation, I felt that I was starting to get a boner. I decided I’d discreetly go take a seat at an unoccupied desk where customer contracts were drawn up on a computer. I calmly did so, and decided I’d camp here for a while and wait it out. I dreaded that at any moment a manager would emerge from the back room and order me back onto the shop floor, so I decided I should take action. No one appeared to be watching me, so I reached into my pocket and made an attempt to at least position my junk in a less visible way, but was struggling to come up with a solution to this riddle. At this moment a cute female coworker, who I’d had a kinda work crush on, had noticed me looking suspicious, holding something in my pocket. She lit up with intrigue and asked me, ‘What have you got in your pocket??’ I was too panicked to come up with anything, so with wide-eyed terror I just said ‘Nothing.’ She wasn’t buying it and practically RACED to my desk. Shit! I instinctively grabbed tightly onto the end of my erect penis through the inside of my pocket, praying I could strangle it into submission, or something… Instead of further questioning, she simply lunged at my pocket of mysterious treasure with her eager hand. All I could do in this moment was use my spare hand to reach over and grab her wrist. ‘Please…’ I pathetically begged. Her eyes appeared to relish in my moment of weakness and she started using all her might to gain access to my pocket, while I desperately covered my shame. This struggle ended in her using both hands to rip my hand from my pocket, before instantly reaching in to seize what I was hiding. I had lost. I felt her tiny hand through the fabric of my pants grabbing the swollen end of my penis while our eyes locked. I cringed harder than I ever have as I watched her expression shift from not grasping what was going on to the penny dropping in her mind. She went pale, and wordlessly, almost robotically stood straight and walked off and returned to her work duties. I proceeded to wait for the whole ‘situation’ to deflate but the damage was done.”
33. I took one glance at their racks and immediately entered the boner zone.
“Ahh, fuck. Well, at an 8th grade birthday party at a hotel pool, there were a pair of smokin’-hot twins in the hot tub. They were wearing bikinis, and their newly developed boobies were on full display. One of my friends was chilling with them in the hot tub, so I said fuck it I’m going over to hang with them. On my way over, I took one glance at their racks and immediately entered the boner zone. Whatever, I’m no rookie, I’ve been in situations like this before. I decided to take the waistband route and flipped the little guy up. I guess I had also been going through some changes, because my ‘little guy’ was no longer so little, and the head of the snake was, unbeknownst to me, poking up above the waistband. So there I am, approaching this hot tub with confidence. I say what’s up as I start walking in, and I look down. Staring back at me, like the eye of Sauron, is my dick head, in full view of everyone. I look up and my friend is bawling in laughter. The girls sat there looking awkward. I don’t remember anything else. Good times.”
34. He sends her back in to give me my yearly flu shot and I swear my dick popped up faster than a switchblade.
“From the early years, 13, 14 in the doctor’s office for my yearly physical. Also at that age where they are doing checks to make sure everything is descending and developing properly so I got the full gown on. I’ve got asthma so my physical involves a few extra breathing tests usually handled by the nurse, and this year the doc had gotten a new nurse. She looked like she could have been Fairuza Balk’s sister, same big smile, those smoky blue eyes, pale as snow, slightly bigger chest. I’ve got a thing for quirky women so right around the breathing test where every nurse ever (even now when I’m close to 40) takes the deep breaths with you I’m watching her chest when I’m supposed to breathe cause teen and well the gown now had a tent. We both knew it she just went on with the tests and went to go get the doctor for the rest of the visit. Doc comes in I’m a little embarrassed few jokes about being young and all is good. Then he sends her back in to give me my yearly flu shot and I swear my dick popped up faster than a switchblade. Door open, saw her, my dick went up.”
35. I’d get little random boners whenever mom was around.
“When I was little, before I had even the slightest clue what sex was, I used to get little random boners from time to time. And apparently, I had noticed some sort of pattern, because one night when my mom was tucking me into bed, I asked ‘Mom, why does my pee-pee feel hard sometimes?’ and she said ‘I don’t know honey, does it hurt?’
I said ‘No, but it only does it when you’re around.’
It’s one of those memories that haunts me every time I think about it.”
36. It was my very first prostate exam when I was in my early 20s.
“For me, it was my very first prostate exam when I was in my early 20s. Finger went in, and BAM! up goes the boner, like INSTANTLY. Extremely embarrassing but my doctor said, ‘Don’t worry about it. Happens a lot.’ Perhaps. But it never happened again. Years later, it suddenly dawned on me, ‘Why was a 22-year-old guy even getting a prostate exam???’ Oh, well….”
37. Her son walks in to the kitchen to get water or some shit and my finger is still buried in her ass.
“OK, so I was freshly divorced and hitting the Tinder scene. Matched with this chick, seemed cool, hung out all day, made out a little in the car. She kissed like she wanted 10 dicks in her…good sign…I could use a little freak in my life. So we plan to hang later. She has a teenage son, who I assumed would NOT be at her house (we could have used mine, she insisted we go to hers).
So we’re on the couch and she’s clearly a mega freak. Biting, hair pulling, filthy fucking mouth on this chick man. the dirty talk was shit I’ve never even heard of…she’s clearly up for anything. Now her son was home; he was standing in the kitchen staring a hole through me when I arrived, but she insists he’s upstairs playing video games and won’t bother us, but we stay in the living room instead of going to her bedroom anyway.
So anyway, she’s got this little sundress on and lying face down with her mouth in my penis area and I have her sundress up and am exploring her special place. Are you picturing this? I’m sitting down, lying on the couch with her head in my lap, back arched, sundress pulled up. She’s gagging like a fucking porn star and drooling all over me while I shove her face down until she chokes. Girl is in to it man. I can’t be rough enough with her. Not my thing really by the way but she was almost demanding it. Whatever blows your sun dress up, right?
So anyway, I’m exploring her lady trench with my other hand I ease up to the balloon knot to see if she’s down for some back-door action. I start teasing around it and she moans and gags harder. Girl is in to butt stuff. Got it. Will tease b-hole.
So after a particularly long deep-throat hold, she comes up for air and growls at me ‘just shove it in my asshole!!!’ K, it’s dry, and that’s how she clearly wants it. So I shove that fucker in there and she cums. Like, squirts all over the fucking couch the second I get my middle finger in her turd cutter. I had to push HARD to get it in and that was just what she needed. Now the couch is soaked. Like, I could hear her gush all over. If you’ve ever been with a legit squirter you know this sound.
So she begs me to face fuck her, demanding I leave my finger buried in her stink hole. Bless her heart, she earns that sweet load, bobbing and gagging and moaning. The harder I finger her asshole, the harder she moans and chokes herself on my cock. Cool. I like her.
I’m about to get there so like a gentleman I tell her and she fucking takes everything I’ve got down to my balls in to her mouth. I don’t know how she got it all in there. I think the tip of my cock was in a lung or something, I don’t really know biology. Anyway, cool. Shoot it right down her throat. No clean up. There are some aftershocks as she’s withdrawing her mouth from my now very clean penis, so she’s got a half a mouth full of dude goo.
At that fucking instant, I hear the door to her teenage son’s bedroom open. Miss crazy panties pulls the blanket over herself and opens her mouth to show me she did manage to keep the last little spurts of man milk in there. I start to withdraw my finger and she mumbles ‘lea I iii,’ which is what ‘leave it in’ sounds like when you are trying to keep your mouth full of cum. She was ANGRY I was going to take it out, firstly because it wasn’t going to be squeaky clean I suppose, and second because kink? Who knows man girls are weird.
She grabs a throw pillow and puts it over my cock, lies her head on the pillow and pretends everything is normal.
So her son walks in to the kitchen to get water or some shit and my finger is still buried in her ass, my cum is in her mouth, and my cock is out leaving a male snail trail on some fucking throw pillow she bought off Etsy that has some feminist message I can’t remember on it.
That was the most awkward boner situation I can remember.
Turns out this girl had the herp by the way. I escaped without it. Finger didn’t stink when I left…had to smell to verify.”