1. DON’T CUM!
“‘Don’t cum, don’t cum, don’t cu—ugghhhhh I came.’”
2. NAKED GRANDMAS AND DEAD KITTENS.
“Naked grandmas and dead kittens.”
3. DEAD KITTENS AND OLD NUNS.
“‘Oh, no. Uh, dead kittens. Uh, old nuns. Really old nuns. Renée Zellweger.’”
4. IS SHE BORED?
“Is she bored? Oh god I’m bored for her. Why doesn’t she want to do what I want to do? Thank god she’s willing to have sex with me, finding someone else would be terrible. Hopefully I last longer than—shit, I’m done. Maybe one day she’ll let me try that stuff I want to try. She says she likes this… I hope she does. She said she came, I hope she did. Don’t fall asleep, don’t sleep don’t sl—holy shit I was asleep.
Yeah, I’m a real catch. No self-confidence anymore.”
5. IS HE BORED?
“This is probably boring for him. Should I try doing something else? But what if he doesn’t like it? Will it ruin the mood to ask? Probably. God, why do I keep doing this to myself. He probably doesn’t even want to be fucking me, I just pestered him until he gave in, like always. Look at my stomach jiggling, I’m so fat. No small wonder he doesn’t approach me.”
“A sampling: Did I finish my Duolingo goal today? Maybe? Yeah I did. What can I make the kids for lunch tomorrow? Do we have cheese? Is the cat watching us? Are you waiting for me to cum? What am going to have for breakfast? What are the kids going to have? 69 now? My knees feel weird like this, are you actually enjoying this? Doesn’t your face feel gross from all this fluid? I don’t know what I’m doing. I should be studying…etc.”
“Nothing, if it’s good sex. I don’t think anything. I just feel and react.”
8. AMERICAN PSYCHO.
“I always think of that scene in American Psycho where Bale is railing the hooker and flexing and pointing at himself in the mirror.”
9. NASTY, KINKY SHIT.
“The nastiest, kinkiest shit then as soon as I cum… ‘nah.’”
10. STEPHEN HAWKING.
“Stephen Hawking being wheeled off a high dive.”
11. DOES HE LIKE MY MOANS?
“‘My moans are weird. I should just stop. Does he like my moans? Do guys like those? If I stop he’ll think I want him to stop. OK, keep moaning.’”
12. LEG CRAMP!
“OWWW leg cramp!!! keep going….damn it!”
13. MAGIC: THE GATHERING.
“I have weird memories of my first time having sex.
It was very late after a party, and I was exhausted, but I couldn’t pass on losing my virginity, so I ended having sex with that girl that I was really into.
Few minutes passes and I start falling half asleep while she was riding me, very weird because I was so damn excited but my body and my brain couldn’t follow.
I was hard into Magic: The Gathering at the time. So… as I’m losing my virginity with the girl I loved so much at the time, I start drifting and thinking about how to optimize my Boros deck, I shit you not I was thinking about mana curves and if I should have 3 or 4 Lightning Helix in my deck… I’m not proud.”
14. I WISH MY DICK WAS BIGGER.
“Thinking how awesome it would be to fuck her with a bigger dick.”
15. DEPENDS ON WHETHER I’M ON TOP OR BOTTOM.
“If I’m the top: ‘Don’t cum, don’t cum, don’t cum…’
If I’m the bottom: ‘Please cum, please cum, please cum…’”
16. DON’T FART.
“‘Please don’t fart OMFG you had boiled eggs and coffee this morning.’”
“Usually cheese for some reason. Gruyere is a particular favorite to think of. It’s as if it makes me last longer. My fiancée is a moaner so it’s usually pretty loud and distracts my cheese thoughts.”
18. I WISH MY HAND WAS A GIRL.
“‘I wish my hand was a real girl.’”
19. MY EX.
“My ex-wife. Cause I still want her but she’s happy with someone else and I know there’s no chance of us again… So, I typically last a long time because I don’t want to be having sex with whoever it is. So, it works out for them, too. End rant.”
20. GROSS STUFF.
“I think of gross stuff to keep me from erupting. White dog shit, flies on poop… It works for a little while, but then my inner me pipes up ‘you’re inside a vagina bro, fuck it good.’”
“Am female. If I’m thinking anything, it’s about dick.
Like…the thing is hard, but the outside is still soft and fleshy. And the skin moves. It’s still weird to me. Dicks are weird. Feel nice, though.”
“Bread, potatoes, milk, cheese, mustard, are we out of Cheerios?”
23. SOME OTHER GIRL.
“The other girl I really like physically and mentally.
I know—I’m the worst.”
24. DO I LOOK FAT?
“‘I bet I look so fat from this angle.’
‘I really need to exercise more.’
‘I hope my breath doesn’t smell.’
‘Too bad my boobs aren’t like the boobs he looks at on Reddit.’
Every. Single. Time.”
25. IS HE DONE YET?
“The ceiling needs to be dusted, there is a cobweb in the corner. That fan doesn’t work too good. Is he done yet? I need a new mattress, wonder if there are any sales at Sleep Outfitters this weekend. Oh! Kroger has a BOGO sale on peanut butter right now. He wants to be on bottom now, OK. Here I am, bounce away. Yeah, I really need a better mattress. And comforter. Hope he cums soon. I want a green comforter.”
26. MY CHAIN-SMOKING TWIN SISTERS-IN-LAW SHAVING THEIR LEGS.
“Think unsexy thoughts like my chain-smoking twin sisters-in-law shaving their legs.”
27. JEFF GOLDBLUM’S ANUS.
“The crown of Jeff Goldblum’s anus.”
28. THIS IS MESSY.
“‘What in god’s holy name was that noise I just made, I hope he didn’t notice.’
‘Damn this shit is messy.’
‘I hope he likes the way I sound. Like I know he said he does, but does he?’
‘I haven’t looked up at him in a while.’
‘I still can’t believe that time I called that woman sir by accident because she looked like a man.’”
“One, Two, Three, Five, Seven, Eleven, Thirteen…
My record so far is 1,429.”