1. We take off our clothes and she has a brown doo-doo line in her underwear.
“We take off our clothes and she has a brown doo-doo line in her underwear. I made an excuse saying I forgot I had a meetup with my group about a project I needed to finish for our class.”
2. His dick looked like ET’s finger.
“He pulled his dick out and it looked like ET’s finger.”
3. He asked if he could call me his sister’s name while we banged.
“The dude asked if he could call me ‘Heather’ while we banged. Heather is his sister’s name.”
4. She smelled like the bottom layer of a landfill site.
“Met a girl at the bar. Tiny, gorgeous, and horny for me as any woman I’ve ever known. We get back to my place and not a second is wasted, straight to the bedroom. Clothes off in a matter of seconds, necking, groping, squeezing, all the good stuff. She grabs my crank and goes for it with everything she’s got. Before I broke one open, I stopped her, told her it’s time for me to return the favor. I slide her thong down, she parts her legs and I kiss my way up to the big prize…only to be greeted by what smelled like the bottom layer of a landfill site. I didn’t even politely ask her to have a shower, I just told her I couldn’t ever touch anything that smelled like that. My name was mud with her and her friends after that but it’s never felt so good to beat off as it did after I showed her the door.”
5. Girl pulled her panties off and the smell of fresh turtle tank filled the air.
“Girl pulled her panties off and the smell of fresh turtle tank filled the air. She reached into her crotch and sniffed her fingers and profoundly announced ‘it smells like shrimp.’ I packed my bags and hauled ass.”
6. She told me how she believed her children were the spawn of Satan and her husband was an alien.
“She told me how she believed her children were the spawn of Satan and her husband was an alien. Children and a husband were entirely new pieces of information. Everything came to a full stop.”
7. She tried playing ‘pretend rape.’
“Hooked up with this girl I met on Tinder, she was very forward sending me nude pics and stuff. We met at a bar, had one beer and she invites me to her place. After some pretty lengthy foreplay were about to have sex and when I’m halfway in she screams ‘NO!’ and I pull out immediately, very confused and kind of scared. She says, ‘Um, just kidding, I’m okay’ in this awkward way. We just lie there for a while and I’m super confused, asking her ‘Are you really OK? What happened?’ She does this movie villain laugh and stares at me, wide-eyed. I got dressed, excused myself and went home.”
8. He said that his girlfriend was probably going to die soon so I didn’t have to feel guilty.
“He said that his girlfriend was probably going to die soon so I didn’t have to feel guilty. I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend, let alone a sick one. Ugh.”
9. I was overwhelmed by a brown, gassy and yeasty smell.
“As I pulled her knickers off I was overwhelmed by a brown, gassy and yeasty smell that reminded me of the time I was planting herbs in my garden when the trowel I was using sliced a recently buried cat nearly in half.
I even pulled her underwear back up for her before I gave my excuses and left.”
10. He unzipped—and the size of that thing would have killed an elephant.
“He unzipped—and the size of that thing would have killed an elephant…I noped the hell right out of there!”
11. He asked me to stop fucking him and shit on him instead.
“Met up with a guy on Grindr. It was all going well until he asked me to stop fucking him and shit on him instead. NOOO thank you.”
12. One of her pet rats ran up my leg.
“During college—hooked up with a girl I’d met at a party, I get to her place and some older dude she lived with gave me the third degree (protective friend/roommate, not her brother/random male relative as I suspected) and we go up to her room. Shitty old house, dead of January at about 1am, it’s freezing outside and I could see my breath in the entryway of the house, fogging up between myself and the TV across the living room. Could already tell it was messy. We get upstairs to her room, everything looks like it was last updated in 1979; ‘wood’ paneling, brown shag carpet, stained drop ceilings. Her room is a total disaster, piles of clothes etc everywhere. I wanted to nope out then, but yknow, the instinct got overridden by the instinct. Then I hear a rustling from the corner and see she’s got some pet rats. Imo anyone who keeps odd pets is bound to be odder the deeper you go, but then I hear rustling outside the cage, like near me. She giggles at how startled/tense I look and tells me it’s fine, a couple of the rats got loose and they’re chilling among the dirty clothes/empty containers and boxes around the room. One of the rats proceeded to run out of the detritus and right up the outside of my leg, nearly getting inside the hem of my shirt before I smacked it off.
THAT, my friends, was when I noped out.
She ended up being a maniac who wanted to keep in close touch despite it being a failed hookup and I had to totally ghost her. The end.”
13. She bit my dick.
“She bit my dick. Full-on chomp.”
14. He started yelling at his penis for not getting hard.
“Drunkenly started yelling at his own flaccid penis for not being able to get hard. Luckily he passed out pretty soon after that.”
15. She for reasons unknown said ‘imagine if your grandma walked in.’
“Right as me and my GF were about to get to it, she for reasons unknown said ‘imagine if your grandma walked in.’ Went from 100 to 0 real fast.”
16. ‘Shh, shh, keep your voice down! Everyone is upstairs sleeping!’
“A woman I worked with was always hitting on me but I always shrugged it off since I was technically her boss. Then she quits to go to another job and there she is waiting for me outside after my shift.
Flash forward and we’re at her place doing the thing. I’m locked in my rhythm and my eyes start to wander around the room for a moment. Why am I seeing all these pictures of small children? Wait… oh no…
‘Wait, what’s with the kids? Are you fucking married?!’
Shh, shh, keep your voice down! Everyone is upstairs sleeping!
At least I got to do the ol’ ‘Run to your car while still getting dressed’ escape.”
17. I realized it’s some other dude’s spunk leaking out of her.
“Ex-girlfriend calls me a few months after we broke up (relatively amicable) to drop off a box of stuff she had at my apartment. So I go over and she’s wearing this tiny baby doll dress and being all giggly and flirty. OK, sex with the ex…cool, right? Yeah, she was a little crazy (not clingy crazy, but more quirky/hippie/new-agey crazy).
After catching up, we start going for it. It’s passionate. It’s fucking electric! She’s laying down and takes a moment to give me a show as I watch her untie the bows on her panties and present herself to me—freshly shaved in a time when that was a rarity. So we go back to kissing. My hands go down and she opens her legs to give me access. She’s wet. Soaking wet. Like…unusually wet. It feels…different. Then I realize it’s some other dude’s spunk leaking out of her. Noped the fuck right out of there.”
18. All of a sudden I realize there’s a crib with a standing, screaming baby right next to the bed.
“I went to this girl’s house and went to her room in the dark.. We have sex and I start doing it between her boobs…all of a sudden this kid starts crying next to the bed so I jump up and flip the lights on and there is a crib with a standing screaming baby. Not only that but she was on her period and her entire front chest to neck is covered in period blood. We all start screaming. I got the fuck out quick.”
19. She put holes in the condom because she wanted a baby.
“I was about to hook up with this chick and she tells me to go grab a condom from her restroom I pull one out and it has a small hole pricked into it so I pull out the whole roll and all of them have a hole. I confront her and she says she really wants a baby. So I tell her she is sexy as hell but nah I’m good and grab the rest of my clothes and bail.”
20. She found pleasure in biting my nuts.
“When she found pleasure in biting my nuts. I’ve never gotten redressed so fast in my life. Still haven’t seen or talked to her since. You could almost hear the slap my boner dropped so fast.”
21. It felt like a horse trying to eat a carrot.
“I was seeing this girl for a few days, and we decided to go back to her place for a little while.
We were on her bed, she takes my pants off, and starts going down on me…except…it’s like (not exaggerating) a horse trying to eat a carrot.
It was by far the worst imaginable blowjob I could have ever received.
Then her roommate got home, and I just decided it was the best time for me to leave.
I refer to her as horse girl now.”
22. I penetrated and what came out on my dick was a thick white cottage cheese-like substance that was soon followed by a vomit-inducing smell.
“Literally my first time. I was inside her for literally not even 10 seconds…and no I didn’t finish too quick.
I had known she wasn’t the most clean, with a few fingering sessions with the smell of a fish market to clue me in but I was naive and thought that was normal.
I penetrated and what came out on my dick was a thick white cottage cheese-like substance that was soon followed by a vomit-inducing smell. I pulled out, walked to my bathroom, washed off my member, put on my clothes, and walked in to tell her I didn’t want it. All while she was laying there naked wondering what was wrong…”
23. He literally had fish dick.
“He literally had fish dick. It was like God reeled my head in reverse at the speed of light when that shit tickled my nostrils.”
24. Just as things were getting good she put her hand around my throat and clamped down hard.
“Just as things were getting good she put her hand around my throat and clamped down hard. I know some people are into that, but it is not cool to go for it with no discussion first. I literally kicked her off the bed, got dressed and left.”
25. I had a girl on top of me punch me in the face as hard as she could with no warning.
“I had a girl on top of me punch me in the face as hard as she could with no warning. It was a good punch, threw all her weight into it. I tossed her off the bed and yelled, ‘What the fuck?! Why would you do that?’ Her: ‘I thought you would like it!’ ‘WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?!’ We hooked up a few more times over the coming months, finally told her to never speak to me again when she broke into my house on a work night, woke me up at 4am and asked me if I wanted to split a bag of coke with her.”
26. Took off the panties and the smell of canned chicken was overwhelming.
“Unzipped her pants, felt a bush. Shrugged and said oh well to myself. Took off the panties and the smell of canned chicken was overwhelming. I faked stomach problems and went to the bathroom. Sat on the toilet for 20 minutes with an occasional loud grunt. Came out, sprayed some air freshener and said we will have to do this another day. She left and I never talked to her again.”
27. She said, ‘I want to have your kids.’ I said, ‘Oohhh I forgot I have work early in the morning.’
“We were having fun in the car outside of my place literally about to go inside when she said, ‘I want to have your kids.’ I said, ‘Oohhh I forgot I have work early in the morning. I’ll see you later.’
I think that’s a very reasonable reaction on my end.”
28. She starts cheese-grating my dick but at the same time punching my balls at every stroke.
“My ex-girlfriend was never very good at giving handjobs and I realized the first time she gave me one.
So she unzips my jeans and pulls my dick out then gently caresses it. After a little while she starts cheese-grating my dick but at the same time punching my balls at every stroke. I’m squirming in pain trying to roll into the ole classic fetal position but she thinks I’m nearing climax and grates harder.
Get out of there, assess the damage. Had 3 big cuts on my junk that put me out of action for a week. Turns out doing anything with a cut penis is horrendous.”
29. There was dog shit on the bed.
“There was dog shit on the bed. Some was fresher than others.”
30. She wanted me to tie her up and punch her in the gut.
“My ex wanted me to full-on beat her. She wanted me to tie her up and punch her in the gut. I stopped and wouldn’t talk to her for about a week afterwards. And no, she didn’t tell me anything of the sort beforehand.”
31. He kept asking me to punch him in the dick.
“He kept asking me to punch him in the dick…harder, harder!
(For what it’s worth, he was an MLB pitcher.)”
32. I was about to enter her doggy-style when I discovered she had shit all over her asshole.
“I was about to enter her doggy-style when I discovered she had shit all over her asshole. Never went from 100 to 0 so quickly. :(”
33. Soon as I get the zipper down, there is this stench, like someone took dirty socks and filled them up with some rotten tuna.
“In high school, take this girl to my sister’s house, cause I know my sister is at work. We start getting busy on the couch, and I am working on getting her jeans off. Soon as I get the zipper down, there is this stench, like someone took dirty socks and filled them up with some rotten tuna. Luckily, my sister’s neighbors pulled into the drive, so I act like it is my sister coming home and jump up and say we gotta go. Slide out the back door and take her home.”
34. She puked in my lap because she wanted to see if she could deep-throat me.
“She puked in my lap because she wanted to see if she could deep-throat me. No my penis is not large, she just had a very bad gag reflex. Its like mmm this feels good…what’s that noise? Eew now it is warm and lumpy and smells sour. :(”
35. Ridiculously huge banana dick.
“Ridiculously huge banana dick. Like, 10 inches and exactly like a banana. Nope. Sorry, but…Nope Diddy nope nope nope. He didn’t seem upset when I bailed either. Don’t know if he wasn’t that into me or this just happened to him constantly.”
36. He had a condom on and pissed while he came inside of me.
“While we were having sex, he had a condom on and pissed while he came inside of me. Pulled the whole thing out and it didn’t open up or break but good that was nasty.”
37. Yeah, we’d nope out, too.
“Her boyfriend came home.”